shiropa11_

Today, as I walked home, I heard the people behind me in an argument over my gender. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

Today, I found out that my German wasn't as great as I thought it was. Trying to give directions to some German tourists, I tried to say, "I hope I don't get you lost." Turns out I actually said something closer to, "I hope I don't seduce you." FML

Today, my friends learned that if you play "connect the dots" with the pimples on my back the resulting picture is a large penis. FML

Octopi

Today, I overheard my husband talking to our 6 year-old about animals for a project. I listened, thinking it was cute, until my husband said gleefully, "Remember to say this in your project: octopuses have 8 testicles." FML

Today, I was reading a book in German, which I don't know very well. Suddenly I reached a passage I had no trouble understanding. Excited, I showed my husband, saying I was finally getting the hang of it. He laughed and patted my head. Turns out, that particular passage was a quote. In English. FML

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me I was almost perfect. And the only reason I'm not completely perfect is because I don't like Mountain Dew. FML

Premonition

Today, I received a "Get Well Soon" card in the mail, which I found just a little odd, since I was feeling completely fine. Not an hour later, I tripped and fell down a flight of stairs. FML

Today, while in the store with my kids, they wanted to buy tampons because I am "getting cranky, and it should be that time of the month." FML

Today, as an introduction to the history of China, I asked my APA World History class to write a 500 word essay on a historical Chinese person. Out of a class of 18, five of them were about Mulan. FML

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. My girlfriend had agreed to come over after and make sure I was okay, so I called her, saying I was done. She told me she'd made new plans, and to "just suck on a tampon, you pussy". FML

Today, I casually mentioned to my mom that my boyfriend of two years and I were thinking about moving in together. She looked me dead in the eye and said if I ever moved out, she'd throw me out of the house. I'm confused. FML

Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML

Today, my insomnia wins. I'm too wired and awake to sleep, but too stoned on my sleeping pills to get up and do something productive. FML

Today, on my first day of sailing practice, I managed to sit on a metal cleat. After being admitted to the ER, I was informed that I had two vaginal lacerations that needed surgery. The nurse tried to convince me it was my lucky day, because the hospital café was serving vanilla pudding. FML

Today, I got a round of applause. Too bad it was from my thighs as I went down the stairs. FML

Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML

Today, my teenage daughter asked me to buy her the morning after pill, saying, "It's for my acne." FML

Alexa, play "Love in a Car" by The House of Love

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML

Today, I tried kissing my boyfriend on the tip of his nose. He sneezed mid-kiss and headbutted me. Now, there's just an awkward silence. FML

LOL

Today, the guy I really like acknowledged my existence for the first time. Too bad it was through a text, saying, "lol ur a fat fukc". FML

Recognize this?

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my vagina. He replied, "What's that?" FML

New day, same shit

Today, was the day I would turn my life around and start losing weight. I went outside for my first run and said, "I got this!" I confidently stepped forward, the first symbolic steps to my new life. In the anticipation, I forgot my porch had steps. I face-planted on my driveway. FML

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a massage. I guess I hit the spot, because he muttered, "Please marry me" into the pillow. Considering we've been going out for years and had spoken about marriage before, I stopped in my tracks. He stammered, "Oh, I mean... Not like that. Will you keep going?" FML

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I was a test tube baby. He looked at me with confusion before asking, "But if scientists made you, surely you'd be really attractive and talented and stuff?" FML

Today, while on vacation, my parents called to inform me that my best friend had died in a car accident. Why? To trick me into tearfully confessing my love for him. It worked. FML

Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school, but there's only one problem: Everybody thinks I'm a teacher. I'm only a freshman. FML

Today, I woke up to find that my acne has lined itself beautifully in a perfect 'L' shape in the centre of my forehead. FML