opera_chiken

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

Dumbass idea

Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML

Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML

Today, while I was delivering pizza in the torrential downpour, I waited 5 minutes in the pouring rain for an old lady to dig 20 bucks out of her purse. Her total was $19.99. She told me to keep the change and make lots of money. FML

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

Today, I got all dressed up to go on a date with a guy. Upon getting to my house to pick me up, he told me he'd forgot to put on mascara, and asked if he could borrow some. FML

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

Bad boys, bad boys

Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML

Today, I was rear-ended while at a stop sign, by my driving instructor. FML

Today, I attempted to bleach my body hair so I wouldn't have to shave. A little while later, I realized that I'd also succeeded in bleaching my skin, which was incredibly noticeable. I'm hosting a pool party this weekend. FML

Judgemental

Today, my sister told me not to come over anymore because her baby is scared of my face. FML