Célibataire
Today, after my 22-year-old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML
Today, at my wedding, my brother decided it would be funny to trip me as I was walking down the aisle, in front of hundreds of people. FML
Today, I went to work at a chemotherapy clinic. After explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer, he asks is it OK to smoke during chemotherapy. FML
Today, I had to take a mandatory drug test with the doctor present. Nervous, I couldn't get myself to pee in the cup right away. When I finally did, I couldn't stop myself from overfilling the cup and getting pee all over myself. FML
Today, I told my son that his grades are dropping and his behavior is getting out of hand. To which he replied, "Yeah, so is your weight." FML
Today, I was listening to my son's teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store. I was thrilled when she described my son as "A model student". However, she then went on to say, "Which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash." FML
Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML
Today, my mother told my little sister and me that she has breast cancer to make us feel sorry so that we would clean our rooms. She is perfectly fine. My little sister still thinks that "mommy is going to die". FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she thought I was cheating on her. With my own sister. FML
Today, I had a completely normal work day. Other than the fact that my boss dressed up like the lead singer from KISS and hit us with a foam sword at random. My boss is 49. FML
Today, I told my mom I wanted to try out for the track team. Her exact words were "good luck, fatty". FML
Today, I learned the hard way that taking a 20 mile bike ride with my boyfriend's family the day after losing my virginity is the worst decision ever. FML
Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML
Today, I decided to make homemade french fries. I figured all I needed was potatoes and salt, right? Wrong! I also needed the fire department and an ambulance. FML
Today, my buddy told me he was going to get an HIV test at the health department. Without thinking, I told him to "think positive". FML
Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML
Today, after recently moving to America as I've always dreamt of, I saw my first, majestic deer. My boyfriend slammed it with the rental car. FML
Today, Santa ran over my foot with a Segway. FML
Today, my mother sold my extensive Star Wars collection, and I cried when I found out. I'm 46. FML
Today, I accidentally called my teacher "Babe." FML
Today, I took off my sweatshirt in the middle of class. The tanktop I was wearing underneath went with it. FML
Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML
Today, my dad finally met my girlfriend. Unfortunately, he was driving the ambulance that she was in, due to severe alcohol poisoning and was on the way to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. FML
Today, I fought back with words against a bully. He cried, and I got detention. FML
Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML
Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML
Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML
Today, I introduced my Spanish friend to a girl I've had a crush on for a long time. Because he only spoke Spanish and she only spoke English, I was the translator. The first thing he said to her was, "You are really pretty." I translated it as "I like other men." Later, they found out. FML
Today, I heard the ice cream truck. Being the idiot that I am, I ran down the steps and almost immediately fell down them. I needed four stitches. I didn't even get my ice cream. FML
Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML
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