Monsieur Oklahoma, United States 28 ans En couple
Today, my grandma rushed into my work and told my manager I had to leave due to a family emergency. Panicked, I ran to get my stuff and ran to the car. When I asked what had happened, she replied, "I needed someone to go see 50 Shades of Grey with me." FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML
Today, my boyfriend ditched me, saying he had some important things to do. When I checked on him a while later, I found out what was so "important". A game called Robot Unicorn Attack. FML
Today, my mother kept nagging at me because my 9-month-old daughter only calms down when I play her metal. She demands I use gospel, otherwise she will turn into a "devil-worshipping lunatic like her mother". FML
Today, the creepy regular customer found out I was lying about having a boyfriend in order to keep him away. He now thinks this is me playing hard to get. FML
Today, after sending in my passport application for a trip to Paris, I got a letter from the state department saying despite them having my original birth certificate, I don't exist. Upon calling them, I was told that it only proves I'm a citizen, not that I exist. I pay taxes and have a mortgage. FML
Today, trying to be romantic, I started coming on to my wife while in bed, only for her to yet again say she wasn't in the mood. When I asked why she never is lately, she sarcastically blamed it on the government shutdown, then rolled over to go to sleep. FML
Today, my bitchy co-worker decided that being given a compliment on her shoes is sexual harassment, and worthy of reporting me to our boss over. FML
Today, I fell asleep while at the beach with friends. Someone thought it would be funny to put chunks of bread on and around my junk. Seagulls have sharp beaks. FML
Today, I found out that my phone fits perfectly through the slot between the elevator and the floor. FML
Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years drunkenly proposed to me, while sitting on the crapper, with the door open. FML
Today, the kid next to me asked me, in all seriousness, if gay people have feelings like regular people. I'm gay, and I have to sit next to this barnacle until June. FML
Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke a glass in the kitchen and accidentally stepped on it, cutting his foot. He asked me if I could help him clean his cut. Apparently, he's ticklish and I now have a huge bruise on my chest from where he kicked me. FML
Today, I opened up to my parents about my depression. Their response was to have a very heated discussion about whose fault it was. FML
Today, I heard crashing noises coming from my dining room. I got up to see what it was; my asshat cat was flinging himself at my chandelier. He'd figured out how to grab the ceiling fan from the other room, build momentum, and launch into my expensive chandelier. Hooray. FML
Today, as a science teacher, I did a science experiment in front of a class. One of my students asked me if it was "photoshopped." He was being serious. FML
Today, my best friend went in for her scheduled mammogram, and I sent her a text saying, "How're your boobies?" It was only after I sent it that I realized I'd sent it to my history professor. FML
Today, during parent/teacher conferences, my mom told my Chemistry teacher that I have an intense crush on him. There are still 7 months left in the school year. FML
Today, my girlfriend of a year denied in front of everyone that we ever dated. FML
Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML
Today, I had to call a plumber out to clear a blockage in our bathroom drainpipe. After coming back from work later in the day, and after a tearful confession from my wife, I found out that pipe wasn't the only one he snaked. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I watched Star Trek Into Darkness together. He liked it so much that he's now chosen to yell "KHAAANNNNN!" as he cums. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents at a family dinner. There was plenty of alcohol on offer, as is normal at our get-togethers. She got blind drunk and ended up crying to my mum about how I can't please her because I have a small penis and my oral sucks. FML
Today, the tickets I bought for my favorite band's concert arrived in the mail. The concert was last night. FML
Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML
Today, my wife and I were watching Killing Kennedy. Jokingly, I said, "Spoiler alert: he dies." She threw a book at me and won't talk to me. I think she's serious. FML
Today, I learned I was conceived to the sounds of a Spice Girls album. FML
Today, I got a concussion. It was when an entire shelf of bicycle helmets tumbled onto my skull. FML
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