BodyCountEndless

Today, I dressed up sexy to cheer up my boyfriend after a bad day at work. Instead of being cheered up, he accused me of dressing up that way for the male DJs at the radio station where I work. FML

Today, after assuming I'd been scammed, I finally found the vibrator I ordered over 2 months ago. It was in my mom's bedside cabinet. FML

What new hell is this

Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML

Assume the worst, huh?

Today, I was sitting in McDonald's. A lady came up to me and started complaining about the bad service, and asked for the manager. I told her that I didn't work there. "But you must, someone that fat has to work here!" FML

Today, my father tried to excuse his alcoholism by saying that his stomach stops working, and he needs to drink vodka to get it started again. FML

WWE

Today, after waiting for two weeks for the right moment to meet my boyfriend's mom, she walked in as I was straddling him, trying to prove that I'd win in a wrestling match. I guess we met, then. FML

Today, my two managers, both over 30, were arguing over whether or not butter is a sauce. FML

Today, after recently getting my car fully serviced and fixed, the horn has decided to spontaneously beep. To stop the beeping I have to press the horn hard, making it look like I'm purposely doing it to piss people off. FML

Pure evil

Today, my sister's kitten walked away from his litter box, jumped onto the table, looked me dead in the eyes, then peed directly onto my laptop. FML

Today, my mother was trying to have yet another "helpful" conversation about how to fix my anxiety. My sister's insightful comment? "I think your problem is that you need to get laid." My mom agreed with her. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, all because he thought I was a communist, a sinner, and a terrorist, simply because I think the gay rights are OK, because I agree with some feminists, and because I got blonde highlights in my hair. FML

Today, coming home, I discovered that my dog had left me a beautiful mound of poop in the middle of the corridor. He'd made an effort, though: there was a roll of shredded toilet paper next to it. FML

Asshole

Today, someone at work took my delicate medication out of the fridge to make room for their lunch. Now my medication has expired. FML

Today, I realized that my new haircut makes me look like a movie star. Not Scarlett Johansson, no. I look like Lord Farquaad. FML

Oddball

Today, a guy asked me for my number. Now I deeply regret giving it to him, because he won't stop sending me Bible quotes and pictures of Jesus. FML

Today, after frantically searching my house and office and calling every place I'd visited in the last 24 hours, I finally found my phone in my fridge. FML

Today, at my house party, I caught my boyfriend having sex with my best friend. His excuse? He wanted to be better in bed for me. FML

Today, my roommate was making a waterproof iPhone case and decided to use my phone to test it out. It didn't work. FML

Today, my boss told me I ask too many questions and that's why they cut my hours in half. Officially, I'm a "Pharmacy Technician in Training", which means I'm trying to teach myself how to do the job without killing someone. All from on the job experience and an outdated textbook. FML

Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML

Today, I told my friends I was kissed by a girl. They said "Yeah, probably by your mom." The sad thing is, they were right. FML

Today, I failed a major exam. It wasn't because I didn't prepare for it, though. I failed because somebody sneezed during it and I said "bless you." Apparently, that's classed as cheating. FML

Today, I felt sick to my stomach, so I told my mother I didn't want to eat dinner. She started accusing me of being anorexic, so I ate a little bit anyway to make her stop. I then threw up, only for her to take it as confirmation that I have an eating disorder. FML

Stud

Today, I lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams. I could tell she really enjoyed it, because she muttered, "Well, that was disappointing." afterwards, then got dressed, said she'd made a huge mistake, and asked me not to call her again. Yep, total stud. FML

Bad sex

Today, I realized I get more pleasure watching YouTube videos of people lighting their farts on fire than I do from making love to my husband. FML

Celebrity lookalike

Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML

Today, I found my bike that was stolen a week ago in front of someone's house. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if my husband didn't steal it to go meet with his girlfriend. FML

Today, I got yelled at for 'letting' my muddy dog jump on my cousin's wedding dress as she was getting ready. I don't own a dog and haven't since I was a kid. FML

Today, my little sister came up to me holding up my phone. It wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't dropped it in the toilet first. FML

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML