Monsieur Oklahoma, United States 28 ans En couple
Today, my Canadian friend is staying a few days at my parents' house. I drove him from the airport, only to find my idiot dad had decked the spare room out with maple syrup bottles. He keeps saying "Eh" all the time and asked "What's he so upset aboot?" when my friend was offended. FML
Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML
Today, I spent well over an hour waiting for customer service to assist me with my forgotten password, only to realize, 5 minutes into the conversation, that I had never created an account in the first place. FML
Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML
Today, I was informed that my uneven facial features make me seem "untrustworthy." Glad to know my unchangeable physical appearance doubles as a character flaw. FML
Today, it's been months since I dropped out of college to escape constantly being bullied and being miserable. Ever since then, I've been having recurring nightmares with the same people bullying me, after which I wake up crying and feeling miserable. My brain is a douchebag. FML
Today, as I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, she started doing stupidly fake moaning, which then went really high-pitched like a little girl's, killing my hard-on. She says she thought that because I'm Japanese-American, I'd only be able to come if she copied "those Japanese pornstars". FML
Today, I was so lonely, I tried to get into bed noiselessly while pretending I had a boyfriend asleep in it. FML
Today, my new friend tried to introduce me to "American Culture," as I am new to the city. He explained what a hamburger is and how it differs from the Asian food I was used to eating. I moved from Seattle and have worked at Burger King. FML
Today, I found out that the "IRS scam" that I ignored last week was actually not a scam, and now I have a warrant out for me. FML
Today, I called this girl I've had a crush on for 2 years to confess my love to her. However, as she picked up the phone, I got so nervous that I froze and couldn't say a word. I was standing there, breathing heavily for 20 seconds. She got so freaked out that she threatened to call the police. FML
Today, I asked my spouse to help me apply some hemorrhoid relief cream, since I couldn't see what was going on down there clearly. Next time, I hope I'll remember if I'm still in a conference call with my online classmates so they don't witness the whole thing again. FML
Today, my parents decided to "discipline" my kitten by spraying her with water. This somehow managed to completely un-train her, and now she's back to being the compulsive biter she was when I first brought her home. FML
Today, someone backed straight into my car as I was hunting for a parking spot. I just got my car back from the body shop after a hit-and-run. FML
Today, my mother-in-law gave me a toaster and a fork as a wedding gift. FML
Today, my mother-in-law asked for a copy of my son's death certificate so she could have her week-long island beach holiday classed as bereavement leave. FML
Today, I had my midterm finals for AP Literature. My teacher had good news and bad news for us. The bad news? That he lost the file for our original exam and so had to make a harder exam for us. An exam he told us not to study for. The good news? "Jesus Christ suffered and died for our sins." FML
Today, I went to the dry-cleaner's and went to get my bag of laundry from my trunk, but I ended up dropping the bag. My dirty underwear blew around the parking lot. I had to chase it all down as a bunch of people looked on. FML
Today, I posted a photo on Facebook showing a side-by-side view of me before and after I'd tried out my new makeup. My dad commented, "What is this, Gollum cosplaying an Orc?" My mum, brother, and over 20 "friends" liked his comment. FML
Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML
Today, my date mugged me, just minutes after I paid our bill at the restaurant. FML
Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss's new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off." She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML
Today, at work, a customer cried because the cake I made her was not "exactly" the same as the display. I'm the one who made the display and it was the same but the display cake had faded a bit, since it had been there for a month. I'd mentioned this to the customer when she placed the order. FML
Today, my boyfriend slept with my sister. "Accidentally", apparently. FML
Today, I set a trap to catch a mouse that ran across my foot. Not only did the trap shut on my finger twice, but I watched the mouse run over the trap without it snapping shut. I guess I have a new roommate. FML
Today, my husband came home with a Christmas gift from a coworker. It's the same thing I got him. FML
Today, I found a hornet's nest in the backyard, so I called my brother over to take a look. He said "Hmm, wonder how fast you can run…" then hurled a rock at the nest and sprinted back to the house. I wasn't so fast. I now feel like someone's beaten me half to death with a cactus. FML
Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML
Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML
Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML
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