BodyCountEndless

Reported!

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

Awwwww

Today, I worked such a long shift at Panera that when my boyfriend called later, I answered, "It's a fresh day at Panera Bread in [town], this is [name] speaking. How may I help you?" He thought it was hilarious. FML

Today, I took a bus to the city. When I sat down, my hand accidentally slapped again the knee of the guy sitting next to me. I apologized. He responded, "It's just a knee," and started stroking mine. This lasted the entire ride. FML

Double blow

Today, I was driving to work and I got a text from my girlfriend. She said she was breaking up with me. I was a little heartbroken, but I had to get on with my day. I got to work and my boss fired me. Turns out, my boss and girlfriend have been having an affair and she told him to fire me. FML

Great prank guys, love it

Today, after working like a caffeine-fuelled thunderstorm for 9 hours straight on an art project, my 2 friends informed me that it was due next week. I slept for 10 hours, and then went to my class without my project, thinking I lucked out in the long run. Clearly not, as it was due today. FML

Quiet please

Today, my boyfriend finally moved out from his parents' house to his friend's flat. Excited that I wouldn't have to be so silent when we had sex anymore, I went over to spend the night. His bedroom is right next to his friend's 4-year-old daughter's room. FML

Unfair

Today, I got a ticket for being drunk in public. I was walking a couple of blocks from the bar to my house, because I didn't want to drive drunk. FML

Today, while trying to get my boss to reconsider laying off much of my department, I accidentally convinced him to lay me off too. FML

Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the same school and had a job lined up in town, he decided not to come with me because the Internet at our apartment wasn't going to be fast enough for his gaming. FML

Today, my parents, who aren’t usually lenient, allowed me to have my boyfriend over. We started to cuddle, things got a little heated, but then my sister walks in and says, “You do my math homework, or I tell mom what you guys were doing.” I don’t remember middle school math being this hard. FML

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

Today, I earned the nickname of "Harry Potter" for all the wrong reasons. I got locked in a storage cupboard for most of my shift, and couldn't get out. FML

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML

Oh, the irony

Today, I lost my job to the individual I just finished training. Within 2 hours after being escorted out, my old boss called and yelled at me for doing a lousy job. He was angry that the training was deficient and because the new person is as bad as I was. FML

Today, after far too many times of my brother stealing food out of my own personal mini fridge, I bought a lock and chained the handles together. I came back to find that my brother had responded by breaking the doors off their hinges. FML

Don't date coworkers

Today, while finishing up at work, I started helping a co-worker out with his workload since I'd finished mine. His girlfriend apparently didn't like this and started slamming things around, constantly muttering passive aggressive comments because she wanted to help him. I work with idiots. FML

Today, as a birthday present, my friends threw a surprise party for me. I was so surprised, I pissed myself in front of everyone, including my crush. FML

Better safe than doggy

Today, while at the supermarket, I came back to one of my car windows smashed in. Apparently, the stuffed animal my son left in the back seat looks like a dehydrated dog. FML

Today, I found out that the woman who has been secretly sexting my husband for the last two months is my new co-worker. I have to train her. FML

News to me

Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later, he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

Not a good sign

Today, I went to my first job interview. I didn't think I was doing too badly, until the interviewer said, "Wait a second, you're in high school?" I explained that the guy who'd called me had said that this wouldn't be a problem. I then watched as my interviewer left his desk to "deal" with him. FML

Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML

Today, I stood up at my desk and fell. I landed on the arm of my desk chair. There was a loud crack when the plastic in the chair broke. My co-workers heard. They didn't come to check on me because I didn't scream. FML

Today, I logged on to my Gmail account and to find that my brother had sent my math teacher a picture of Bigfoot peeing into a urinal. Using my account. FML

Today, I had to abandon my normal duties and help out the electrician my boss called, all because my boss couldn't handle speaking to him since he was attractive. She's in her fifties. I'm in my twenties and I'm the more mature one. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he loved me for the first time in a way I'll never forget. In fact, his exact words were, "You're not the only one that I love." FML

Today, I went on a date with a guy who told me his main aim in life is to live alone in an isolated lighthouse. FML