crimsonlover4

Uh oh…

Today, I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. Since then, I haven't heard any sex. Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. FML

Today, I went to the beach with this boy I like. Not thinking it'd be anything more than a simple date, I didn't shave my downstairs. We were sitting on a towel and I laid down. Then he said, "Is there a squirrel in your pants?" FML

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday I got my braces of six years removed. FML

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

Today, my car heater finally died. I deliver pizzas. In Alaska. FML

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

Today, I noticed that after a month of using my gel, it never seems to empty. I then found out my older brother and his friends had been pumping their man-juice into it. FML

Rough

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

Not a Bio major

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

Today, I was so broke that I paid for a $0.28 candy bar with my credit card. FML

Today, I was baby sitting ten year old twins. When they first saw me, they ran away screaming and hid in the closet. This isn't the first house where this has happened. FML

Make it stop

Today, I sang a sweet lullaby to my two year-old son. In the process, he smacked me in the face and told me to please stop. My sister sings to him all the time and he loves it. FML

Marvel Comics

Today, my boyfriend fingered me. He never cuts his nails. It felt like I was getting intimate with Wolverine. FML

Today, even though I made the point of tanning naked, I still got tan lines thanks to my fat rolls. FML

Today, my grandmother sat me down and gave me a talk about the importance of personal hygiene. According to her, it's important that I shower twice a day, because, "Fat people tend to have a most curious smell about them." FML

Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML

Today, while paying for groceries, I opened my wallet to find that all my cash had been exchanged for Monopoly money. FML

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pound father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

Nasty

Today, I got my first hand job. I started bleeding. FML

Today, I walked into my shed to find my daughter's boyfriend asleep and completely duct-taped to the ceiling, with his face painted like a clown. FML

Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center. At one point I decided to play "got your nose" with one of the kids. It turns out this kid has a physical birth abnormality on his face. I got his nose... his prosthetic nose. FML

Today, my six year-old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating furiously. To Star Trek. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that having sex with me was as good as eating crispy bacon. I don't know if I should feel complimented. FML

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

Stealthy

Today, my girlfriend tried to change her pad while we were sitting in a crowded movie theatre. She succeeded and slipped the used pad into her purse. I can't get rid of the memory, and I don't think I can ever eat popcorn again. FML

Today, I found out that my 20-year-old boyfriend won't touch my boobs because he is afraid his parents will find out. FML

Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML