Today, marks three days since I was supposed to follow the moving truck to my new home. Instead, I got super sick and my dad drove away without me. I've been laying on a dog cushion the entire weekend because my bed is 500 miles away. FML
Today, my girlfriend started making pig noises during sex. FML
Today, an old friend of mine refused to go to a movie with me. Turns out he was sitting in front of me with my girlfriend. FML
Today, I had the great pleasure of meeting my replacement, who was sitting at my desk in my office. My boss must've forgotten to mention to me that I've been fired. FML
Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because I look like his favorite Hentai character. FML
Today, my friends renamed my dog, “Dog Vader.“ Yes, my dog has asthma. FML
Today, the paternity test came back. It's like I suspected all along; my "son" is actually my half-brother. FML
Today, I lost my virginity. We'd both waited until marriage, so I thought it'd be nice and romantic. Nope. He slipped it into my ass and claimed he didn't know which hole was the right one. FML
Today, I saw my ex best friend and my cheating ex-girlfriend hanging out at the gym, where I work. They signed up here just to piss me off. It's working. FML
Today, my brother set me up on a blind date. I've been single for years and he said she was a perfect match for me, so I was excited. Turned out the fucker was playing a prank. The girl was my sister, who was just as surprised as I was. FML
Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML
Today, I declined an apartment because it didn't have a detachable shower head that I could use for my enjoyment. FML
Today, I learned that my friends nicknamed me Snow White, not because I’ve got dark hair and very pale skin, but because I “only hook up with tiny dudes”. FML
Today, I found out my fiancé is already married. His "crazy ex-wife" is not all that crazy, and is still his wife. FML
Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML
Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML
Today, after 6 months away, I came home to find out my mom has essentially untrained my dog by spoiling him rotten. She has, however, taught him to fart on command. FML
Today, I finally decided to accept a date proposal from a guy who's had a crush on me for years. I got into his car, and it smelled strongly of my middle school perfume. I went into his bedroom and saw my middle school class photos hanging everywhere. Let's just say I ran home that night. FML
Today, my husband kindly offered to take me on a brewery tour. Turned out the brewery is owned by his ex-girlfriend and there was no tour after all. Just me standing awkwardly for 25 minutes while he chatted to her about her family and stuff they used to do together. FML
Today, I had my guy over for some sexy times. Things stopped before they even started. I watched him pick his nose then wipe it on my freshly changed sheets. He denied it when I called him out on it. FML
Today, I thought the earwig infestation that had plagued my basement apartment for weeks had finally solved itself. Turns out the black widow infestation took care of it for me. Time to move. FML
Today, my husband finally broke our two-month dry spell. I don't know what's more depressing: the fact that it had been two months or that he's horrible at sex. FML
Today, the guy I broke up with for being too possessive and jealous threatened to leak my nudes if he sees or hears that I've gotten with anyone else. FML
Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML
Today, I reassured a close friend that he could tell me anything. Now all our conversations are almost exclusively about his kinks. Did you know a well-stretched human anus can hold an entire bag of jumbo marshmallows? FML
Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML
Today, I decided to finally talk to my crush. I said, "Hello" to which he replied, "First, dye your hair blonde and grow some boobs, then we can talk business." FML
Today, I found my dad on a dating website looking for younger girls. My mother and father are "happily" married, well according to her Facebook profile. FML
Today, after months of putting up with it, I finally asked my manager not to put me on shifts with this old guy who is racist, sexist and lazy. This was how I found out that he died over the weekend. FML
Today, my husband told me he's just "not interested" in having sex anymore. FML
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