Today, I was on a girls' trip in Las Vegas. I met a cute guy at a bar and we were going back to his hotel room together. On the way up, he asked me how much it would cost. FML
Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML
Today, I had a dream about marrying Hitler. I've had this same dream three times now. My subconscious is starting to scare me. FML
Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML
Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML
Today, I got mauled by some wild animals and had to get my butt cheek stitched up. The embarrassment doesn't end there though; the animals in question were kittens. The nurses on duty laughed and the entire ward found out. FML
Today, I found out that I'd been wrong to constantly accuse next door's cat of peeing on my car every night. It was actually my 16-year-old son. FML
Today, my aunt had the wonderful experience of hearing my boyfriend and I have a very "satisfying" encounter after we stupidly forgot to turn off the baby monitor. FML
Today, while leaving McDonald's, I threw a fry out the window to a flock of seagulls. I watched in the rear-view mirror as it landed in the opposite lane and about 60 winged rats descended upon the street, causing a truck to veer off the road and crash. FML
Today, trying to be funny in front of some friends, I held my cat above my head Lion King style. The height must have made him nervous, because he shat on my head. FML
Today, an old lady steamrolled over my foot with her wheelchair, then laughed as she slowly rolled away, leaving my toes in ruins. FML
Today, my girlfriend guilted me into roleplaying as Justin Bieber before and during sex. I now feel physically ill. FML
Today, while walking into a hotel room, I passed by a full-sized mirror. My reflection scared me so badly that I punched the mirror, which then shattered and resulted in several cuts to my hand. FML
Today, one of my cats gave birth. My other cat responded by eating the new litter in a jealous rage, then got indigestion and vomited. I had to clean up regurgitated kittens. FML
Today, I overheard my ripped, handsome, genetically perfect brother telling my mom how "fat people" make him "nervous". I have only recently accepted my weight, after struggling for years. I now understand why my brother rarely talks to me. FML
Today, I called a tree removal company to have my diseased elm removed. When I got home from work, I was surprised to find it still there. Not as surprised as my neighbor was to discover that his tree was missing, nor as surprised as his children when they saw there was no more tree-house. FML
Today, while wiping my ass, the broken finger that has been set straight dipped into the toilet and touched a turd. This keeps happening since I broke it, and I'm sure it will again. FML
Today, my dentist dropped dead of a heart attack. This depressing event was made worse by the fact that he collapsed while his hands were in my mouth. FML
Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least, they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around, listening to me talking in my sleep. FML
Today, I couldn't move without people talking to me about the "Royal Baby". It's like it's actually going to have an effect on my life. FML
Today, the guy whose son I babysat for six hours straight confessed to being broke, then actually asked if he could pay me with sex instead. FML
Today, I won an award for Employee of the Month. Shocked, I asked my boss if he'd gotten my name mixed up or something. He had. FML
Today, I was getting freaky with my boyfriend and told him to spank me. In a seductive voice, he told me not to tell him what to do. Continuing, I asked him how he was going to punish me, to which he then replied, "I'm going to punch you straight in the face." FML
Today, one of my bosses said, "You're going to take this as an insult, but it's not. At a certain age, women are supposed to cut their hair short." I have long hair. My bosses have all of the social skills of the guys from Big Bang Theory. FML
Today, my boyfriend's dream came true; he had always wanted to break a bed during sex. The bed he broke was a heirloom in my family for 150 years. The best part? He was by himself. FML
Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML
Today, my horse farted and scared itself, then ran all the way up the hill and wouldn't stop until I fell off. FML
Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML
Today, I was mistaken for my twin brother twice. This probably wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a girl. FML
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