Monsieur En couple
Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML
Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML
Today, my dad and I got into a fight over who gets the last corner piece of the brownies. I ended up with a black eye and and a sprained wrist. He ended up with the brownie and ran away laughing. FML
Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML
Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML
Today, my mom read my diary. Then she frantically booked me an appointment with a psychiatrist. FML
Today, things were getting heated with my girlfriend, so I tried taking her shirt off. Slapping my hands away, she said, "I was only dating you to get my self-confidence up, I'm good now." FML
Today, while working at my local supermarket, a customer threw a turkey at me because we "should have bigger ones." FML
Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML
Today, I chipped a tooth trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. FML
Today, at the Black Friday Sale, a fully grown man hit my 5 year old daughter for an Xbox. In anger, I punched the guy and gave him a bloody nose. I'm now banned from Best Buy, and my daughter has a concussion. FML
Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML
Today, we were going around the table, telling everyone what we were thankful for. My girlfriend said she was thankful for her vibrator, because I can't please her like it can. My family thought this was funny. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because her father, who abandoned her before she was born and just reentered her life, doesn't approve. FML
Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML
Today, my dad had his "sixteen years overdue" vasectomy. I'm fifteen. FML
Today, I was looking through some old family pictures for a scrapbook I'm making. I found images of my dad passed out in his underwear, my great-grandpa having a drunken bath, and an unidentified moustachioed man sitting on the toilet, giving the photographer the finger. FML
Today, my husband asked me, "Why do you love me?" I spent the next five minutes spilling my heart and soul out to him. After I'd asked the same question, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't." FML
Today, my girlfriend refered to her vagina as a meat wallet, and to my penis as small change. FML
Today, my mom, who is relatively new to Facebook, posted on her friend's wall, telling her about her recent diagnosis of vaginal thrush. She assumed that her wall post was private. Six of my friends liked the post. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while placing her order. I work as a Drive-Thru cashier at McDonalds. FML
Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML
Today, I took my kids to the mall to see Santa. While waiting in line, my eldest got bored and loudly complained, "I don't know why we're here. Santa's not even real." I don't think any of the kids within a hundred feet took the news very well. FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML
Today, I noticed I'd mislaid one half of the "Monday" pair of socks from my "Days of the week" set that were a gift for my birthday. I'm slightly OCD. I think I'm going to rip the floorboards up if I don't find it. FML
Today, my girlfriend left me. Knowing that I am a germaphobe, she took all of my cleaning supplies and spread mud and trash everywhere. FML
Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML
Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money. FML
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