Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML
Today, I stopped to gas up. The pump wasn't taking my BP rewards card, and it said to go see the cashier. I went in to ask what's up, where the cashier politely pointed out that I was in a Shell gas station, not a BP. FML
Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML
Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML
Today, my best friend called me to cancel our mall plans. I could hear that she was watching a movie in the background. I then called my boyfriend to see if he was busy, and I could hear the same movie in the background. FML
Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML
Today, I actually can't choose what's worse, hearing my direct neighbour having really loud sex on a regular basis, including furniture breaking, or hearing people cheering and playing the piano in the same room. Upper-class fantasy? FML
Today, my girlfriend's husband heard us having sex, but he's so naive, he believed her when she said we were just watching porn. FML
Today, I was so desperate for human interaction that I asked a deaf girl in my class if she liked music. I actually signed it to her. FML
Today, I was in line at a gas station with my 3-year-old daughter. A "little person" was in line in front of us, buying a pack of cigarettes. My daughter yelled, "No little boy! Only grown ups can smoke." FML
Today, my friends wanted to try to dine and dash at a McDonald's. I had to explain why that wouldn't work. FML
Today, my girlfriend sent me a revenge video of her having sex with another guy, because I cheated on her. I got angry with her, but later used the video to masturbate. FML
Today, the cops were called to my apartment because my daughter had a temper tantrum while I was at work. She was naked when they were there. FML
Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML
Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, then I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said, “I wanted to try something new.” FML
Today, my teacher yelled at me for using my phone in class. I apologized out loud, knowing that it would help me get off easier. She was yelling at somebody else. FML
Today, my best female friend sent me a nude to make sure it looked good before she sent it to the guy she likes. FML
Today, I woke up after putting my child to bed. Drowsy, I stumbled down to the kitchen to make a mug cookie. I read a recipe on my phone, and put a knob of butter in a cup to melt in the microwave. I put my phone in the microwave and turned it on for 30 seconds, and didn't realize what I'd done until I smelt burning plastic. FML
Today, I came back to my dorm only to hear my neighbor having loud sex. I thought I was just thinking when I said, "At least do it against the other wall," but when I was left later on, he walked by, apologized and said that he thought I wasn't home, and promised to be more quiet next time. FML
Today, I tried to prank my girlfriend. I said, “I saw you kissing another guy!” She apologized. FML
Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML
Today, I was working in my store. Right around closing, a lady came in to try some things on. I went to the back and when I came out, she was standing in the middle of the room with fluid coming from between her legs. I asked her if she was going into labor. She wasn't. She was peeing. FML
Today, my girlfriend of four months asked me to babysit her four-year-old daughter. All went well, and she texted me to see how she was. I wanted to say “a little ornery”. My phone auto corrected ornery to horny. She didn't appreciate that her four-year-old daughter was a little horny from her boyfriend. FML
Today, when I finally got delivered the new kitchen table that I ordered online a week ago, I found out that it was actually a kitchen table for a dollhouse, as I forgot to check the size. FML
Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML
Today, it was my first day of work, and I was wondering why everyone was staring and laughing at me. I looked down and I realized that the fly on my jeans was open. FML
Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML
Today, I was walking home when I thought I saw a man beating up a woman in a phone box, I opened the door and pulled the man off the woman, turns out they were just "getting frisky" FML
Today, my mate was bragging about the nudes he was getting from this random girl, he proceeded to show me... It was my cousin. FML
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