Monsieur Dunmore 30 ans Célibataire
Today, I get to see my boyfriend again after a month. So I decided to shave my pubic hair in the shape of a heart. After my little striptease, he gasped in admiration "Aaaw, Batman sign!" FML
Today, my 14-year-old sister asked me how I felt when I first had sexual intercourse. I told her it was personal and was none of her business. She then looked at me and said, "I thought it was nice." I'm 19 and I'm still a virgin. FML
Today, I surprised my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her 24th birthday. She got up from the couch as I entered, and I shouted, "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). That's when her father glanced over from the couch and greeted me. FML
Today, my best friend invited me to dinner at his house. When I went to the toilet, I found my wife's wedding ring in a cup, which she'd lost a week ago. FML
Today, I just found out that my brother in law and his wife frequent a swingers establishment that me and the wife have visited. Which is OK I suppose (providing we never see each other there) but he told me his parents go there too. FML
Today, I went onto my computer and found a cyber sex conversation between my sister and my girlfriend. FML
Today, I received a text message from my older brother. It said, "Ah... I want you". I hope to god it was intended for someone else. FML
Today, I had to rush to school to avoid being late. Unfortunately, I forgot to put a bra on beforehand, and as soon as I got to gym class, the first thing my teacher said was: "Okay folks, let's get outside, we're running the mile." FML
Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly, he goes, "I know we don't know each other very well, but would you like to have dinner on Saturday?" I turn to him with a goofy smile, and exclaim "I'D LOVE TO!" He gives me a weird look, turns his head and points to his Bluetooth. FML
Today, I was driving on the freeway in the back seat of my friends car. I looked over to the left and was greeted by a van full of adolescent boys waving and making the "call me" hand gesture. I then happened to looked down and realized that my right boob was completely out of my top. FML
Today, I was with my grandma waiting in a line. She only speaks Chinese and there was a black man in front of us talking his phone. My grandma tells me that the black man's really loud and annoying. The man finishes and turns and said fluently in Chinese, "What's wrong with loud black men?" FML
Today, when I was at the gynecologist my dr told me that I was really tense and the exam would be impossible if I didnt relax. So I started thinking about my boyfriend to relax and my mind went back to our last sex session. I started getting wet. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I started stroking the back of his neck with both of my hands. He told me, "Your hands are nice and smooth like my grandmother's." FML
Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML
Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML
Today, my dad was on the couch and I sat down next to him. As I was reading a text message, I saw my dad's fat stomach sticking out so I patted it. After the first two pats, I realized I was patting in the wrong place. I patted the family jewels. FML
Today, my grandma gave me the 'abstinence' speech. I had thought she already left to go back to FL but then came into my room to tell me how proud she was of me to keep my virginity. I was doing it doggie-style with my boyfriend. FML
Today, completely nude, I had to collect my clothes around the boy’s apartment I have been sleeping with for awhile. While his girlfriend watched to make sure I “got the fuck out.” FML
Today, I was at a gay bar and asking a really convincing drag queen about her daily routine. I asked how she tucked her penis in. She responded, "Um, I'm a woman." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, are you pre-op or post-op?" She said, "No, I always have been and always will be a woman, asshole." FML
Today, I found out my blood type is B. My parents are type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if your parents are A and O. This means I am either an adoptee, a mutant, or an illegitimate child. FML
Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML
Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML
Today, my boyfriend who has been overseas the last four months broke up with me. I sent him a care package two days ago. He'll get homemade cookies (his mom's recipe), naughty videos of me and a letter telling him how much I love him in about a week. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were "fooling around." It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML
Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML
Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML
Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML
Today, I found a note on my door that said, "You're the sexiest person I've ever stalked." Later, I found another note that said, "Sorry, that was meant for your roommate. You aren't my type." Not even a creepy stalker thinks I'm attractive. FML
Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave, I decided to give him one last thrill. I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out. When I asked why, he pointed behind me. My mom had watched the whole thing. FML
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