lolwutdino

Today, Muse cancelled their upcoming show in Oslo. I bought my sold-out tickets on the black market for double the retail price, and have no way of getting my money back. FML

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

Today, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. My breathing is short and heavy, and I wanted my boyfriend to comfort me. Instead, he called me Darth Vader, patted me on the head, and said, "Don't worry, the Force will be with you." FML

Today, I had a presentation in French class. I was so nervous, the first thing I said when I got up there was, "Hola." FML

Today, I went Christmas shopping for my cat. I still haven't bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several small gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. I really need a new hobby. FML

Today, my brother paid the DJ $300 to ruin my wedding by playing the Imperial Death March as I walked down the aisle. FML

Today, I was at my job as a cashier when a man called me his "Grocery Slave." I was almost offended, but then I thought about my salary. I am a Grocery Slave. FML

Today, I woke up on my boyfriend's bedroom floor. When I asked him why I was there, he said I'd gotten too hot, so he rolled me off his bed. I have the flu and a fever. FML

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My daughter's $11 One Direction poster. What will it cost to fix my car? $1,000. FML

Today, as I have been for 10 years, I'm allergic to fruit. After an argument with my mother, she yelled, "Here, have a banana and go kill yourself!" FML

Bubbly

Today, I unknowingly used my shampoo thinking it was leave-in-conditioner. While walking to work, it started to rain. I started to produce suds. FML

Today, my teenage son taught my five-year-old daughter how to fake her own death. I walked into the kitchen today to find her lying still on the floor, covered in ketchup. She laughed when I began to scream. FML

Today, it's been two months since I got a kitten. He loves to hide, and then surprise me by jumping out of his hiding place. It was quite a surprise when he launched himself out of my bag during class. FML

Today, I walked in on my mom drenched in tears, barely able to speak. I ran to get her some tissues and a nice cup of tea to calm her down. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, I asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened. She watched an episode of Gossip Girl. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend sleeps on a Princess Leia pillow. He's 22. FML

Today, I had an in-depth conversation at work about how technically Luke Skywalker was never a Jedi Master. Highlight of my working day. FML

Today, while waiting for my order at a restaurant, a woman walked up to me and slapped me. She looked at me for a moment and said "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." Ten minutes later, the same woman came back and slapped me again. FML

Today, my mom called me a "heartless bitch" for eating the last Hot Pocket. This is coming from a woman who, just last week, faked having cancer to get out of a speeding ticket. FML

Today, I walked in on my dad straightening my dog's fur. His excuse? The dog needed to feel pretty. FML

Today, I told my mom that I heard something, and I think we have rats in the attic and should hire an exterminator. She looked at me and said, "Rats, huh? That's what the mom in The Exorcist thought, but it turned out to be the devil living up there." FML

Today, I walked into what I thought would be a surprise birthday party. It wasn't. It was my parents staging an intervention over my cat obsession. FML

Cats > People

Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I could talk to them throughout the day." Then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

Today, my daughter got selected to pick music for a funeral. She only listens to Nikki Minaj. FML

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for killing him in Minecraft. FML

Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML

Risky comeback

Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML

Today, my sister texted me, saying she was about to go into surgery. It's been a long time coming, and we've both been worried about what could happen. I texted "good luck" back. My phone autocorrected it to "goodbye" and I didn't even notice. FML

Today, my family flew out to surprise my grandma for her 70th birthday. When we arrived, she and my grandpa were both sitting on the couch, high, smoking a joint. FML

Today, I was getting my cat some canned food. Out of habit I licked the spoon after I had emptied the can only to realize too late what I had done. FML