Monsieur San Francisco, US 29 ans En couple
Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML
Today, I dislocated my elbow chasing my cat around the hardwood floors of my house in knee-high socks and wiping out going around a corner. The doctors suggested that I not tell people how it happened. FML
Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally proposed. His reason? A Las Vegas wedding came up on Groupon. FML
Today, I got my foot stuck in the car seat belt. I kept pulling to loosen it up but it just kept getting tighter till my foot was in the air, so I started panicking and eventually started crying. My boyfriend had to pull over and save me from a seat belt. FML
Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML
Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML
Today, I gave myself paper cuts on the sides of my mouth while licking the cover of a pudding cup. FML
Today, while on the train to university, I realized it was my stop and quickly stood up to get off. Or I would have, if my leg hadn't gone to sleep and caused me to fall, landing face first into the crotch of the old guy in front of me. FML
Today, my husband and I found out that our daughter's chronic stomach aches are due to gluten intolerance, so we need to cut all wheat out of our diet. We're bakers. FML
Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML
Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said, "Good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was, "Just wank it off and move on." FML
Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML
Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML
Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML
Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML
Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML
Today, my daughter decided to wake me up by putting the vacuum in my hair and turning it on. FML
Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey. On my forehead. FML
Today, I received a text from the guy I'm into, thanking me for helping him drunkenly stumble back to his apartment last night. He ended it with, "How long did you stay?" Apparently, he doesn't remember confessing his secret love for me, or the fantastic kiss that followed. FML
Today, I decided not to wear any makeup. I got told 13 times at work that I looked ill. FML
Today, I entered a hotdog eating contest. I made it up to two, threw up on the rest of them, and fell over. FML
Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML
Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML
Today, my mom bitched me out and threatened to send me to a Bible camp, after catching me admiring a photo of a bikini model, which is apparently "immoral behavior." This is the same woman who cheated on my dad twice, justifying it by claiming the Devil tempted her. FML
Today, my boyfriend yet again decided to act like Edward Cullen from Twilight, and got his friend to act like Jacob. Every time they're around, my boyfriend always looks stoned and constipated, and his friend is shirtless. I feel like I'm in a shitty romance movie. FML
Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML
Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML
Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend and his friends. When I stood up, he told his friend "See, she's not a twig!" I jokingly replied with, "So I'm fat?" After a few seconds of silence, his friend yelled, "It's a trap!" and left the chat. FML
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