pip74205

Today, I got a speeding ticket while taking my drivers license test. FML

Today, I was struggling to cycle up a steep hill. A guy heading past me on a scooter said I'd lost something. I stopped and looked back. Seeing nothing, I asked him what I lost. He replied, "Your momentum!" FML

Today, I came home to my empty apartment. My girlfriend had left a note on the floor that said: "Took my stuff and left. Took your stuff and pawned it." FML

Today, I was watching my cousin shoot at targets on hay bales with his plastic pellet BB gun. After my sister asked him if it would hurt to be shot with one, my cousin smiled at her and said, "Ask your sister" as he shot me in the leg. I think my screaming was obvious enough. It hurts. FML

Today, I discovered that the word 'randy' means 'horny' in England. I'm going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

Unwarranted

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I'd dated girls with smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML

Today, I had a job interview. I was feeling good about it until I saw the interviewer. It was a guy I had sex with and never called again. He remembered me too. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

Outdoorsy

Today, I found out that sex in the woods is amazing. I also found that the roar of a nearby bear will end the amazement. Not only was I cockblocked by a bear, I almost shit myself. FML

Slipped

Today, I went to my Christian accountability partner from church to talk about continuing to maintain Christian values. We had sex. Oh, the irony. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

Today, I was petting my cat and I jokingly said out loud, "Oh, the pussy likes it rough? You like that, don't you?" My windows were open and I could hear the neighbors laughing. FML

Don't scratch every itch

Today, my boyfriend and I were acting out a kinky scenario at home, where we'd met in a club and were having a one night stand. We ended up getting into a real argument about an imaginary girl in the club. I didn't have sex and we haven't spoken since. FML

Rushed

Today, in a rush to get my clothes back on at my girlfriend's house at the sound of her parents opening the front door, I forgot to take the condom off. Her dad watched it fall out of my pant leg and onto the kitchen floor. FML

Today, my parents grounded me for finding their stash of weed. The irony is killing me right now. FML

Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML

Today, I got into a debate with my boyfriend over whether or not oral sex was considered sex. I stood firm that it was not. Apparently, he took this as permission, as later that night I walked in on him not having sex with my sister. FML

Fair enough

Today, my long-term boyfriend insisted on me going down on him. When I asked what he would do in return, he said, "I was thinking McDonald's." FML

Today, while in the store with my kids, they wanted to buy tampons because I am "getting cranky, and it should be that time of the month." FML

Today, I said to my wife that I wished I had met her 20 years ago. Her response was, "Twenty years ago I had beautiful tits and many options, I wouldn't have even looked at you." FML

That kidnapped kink

Today, my boyfriend asked me to 'spice things up in the bedroom'. When I asked how, he said I could try wearing a paper bag over my head. FML

Interrogation

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing my dad said to him was "So, how low have you kissed?" FML

Today, while working at a dollar store, I was clobbered by a woman because apparently, I was ripping her off by charging two dollars for two doughnuts. She didn't understand that she couldn't buy multiple items at once for one dollar. FML

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

Uh oh

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

Today, I hit a deer with a rental car... which I had to rent because I hit a deer with my car last week. FML

Slippin' and a slidin'

Today, while skiing, I really needed to pee. The instructor pointed me towards some bushes. I slid over to them, and pulled my panties down. My skis then started sliding back down the slope. I ended up gliding through the bushes, all the way down to the rest of the group. FML