KristaRose

Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML

Today, I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now." FML

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

Today, after staying up all night at my friend's house, I woke up to something I couldn't identify on my cheek, so I slapped it away. When I heard crying, I opened my eyes and realized it was my friend's three year old sister who was trying to be sweet by kissing me on the cheek. FML

Today, I had a rude awakening after a traffic accident the day before. I'd fled the scene to avoid having to pay hefty damage fines. I would have gotten away with it too, if my license plate hadn't fallen off and incriminated me. FML

Today, while playing with my cat, she decided to give me a surprise nipple piercing with her claws. FML

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML

Today, we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughter's picture on it. She was waving at the camera. FML

Today, I posted a status on Facebook saying I was depressed and needed someone to talk to. Someone commented on it saying "Just kill yourself". It got 20 likes. FML

Today, after work, I came home to my boyfriend sleeping on the couch. Feeling romantic, I started to undo his pants. My reward was him waking up and kneeing me in the eye. FML

New look

Today, it's the 3-month anniversary marking the day two friends and I shaved our heads as a show of solidarity for a friend starting chemo. Her prognosis is good and her hair only thinned slightly. We, on the other hand, look like a motley crew of lesbian biker chicks. FML

Today, my maths teacher was giving my whole class a lecture on 'if you don't pay attention at school, you will fail.' She then pointed out out a man working on the roof and said: 'if you don't listen, you will end up like that guy.' That was my dad. FML

Today, I found out everyone in my family thought the red toothbrush was theirs, and that all four of us have been using the same toothbrush for months. FML

Today, I was on a plane. When my flight attendant brought me my drink, it had a lid and a straw. He told me, very seriously, "not to spill." No one else got a lid. I'm 18, and apparently I look spill-prone. FML

A for effort

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

Today, and ever since I was born, I've had a lazy eye. This morning my boyfriend broke up with me. He thought it was funny to state that we just weren't looking at life in the same way. FML

Inspired

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML

Today, in the middle of the night, my girlfriend whispered "Are you asleep?" I chose not to respond, to see what she'd do. She then let rip a loud, stinking fart, giggled, and went back to sleep. FML

Today, my dad’s best friend, who has been his business associate for the past 28 years, took me to a Star Wars store for my 18th birthday. He put on a Darth Vader helmet, and imitating his voice, said: "I am your father." I laughed. It wasn’t a joke. FML

Today, I was quietly reading in the subway, when all of a sudden, at a station, the man sitting next to me stood up, slapped me, yelled "Bitch!", and rushed off the train. FML

Dancing queen

Today, in dance class, the instructor asked me to demonstrate the splits to the group. I slid down, my legs opening wider as I descended. I then loudly farted for the full 5 seconds it took to reach the ground. FML

Today, I broke my nose by sneezing too close to a table. FML

Today, in high school, we had a presentation about sex, condoms, etc. After a while, the lady explained that we should get to know our sexual organs better. "For example, my daughter looks at her vagina in front of a mirror to check it out." I’m her daughter. FML

Today, at the supermarket, my mother stopped in the middle of a lane and imitated a gorilla as a way of asking me from far away if I wanted any bananas. FML

Today, my boyfriend moved. He moved from my room... to my housemate's room. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with a voice card. It said "Marry me Amber?" I'm not Amber. That's his ex. FML

Genius

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

Today, my boyfriend spent an hour lecturing me on how I need to ask for what I want. So I asked him to delete a crappy picture he'd taken of me the night before. His response: "No, you don't always get what you want." FML

Today, a patient at the hospital I work at had a tracheal tube and couldn't speak. I'm unable to read lips, but I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words "Stupid bitch" every time I tried to stop him from pulling out his IV. FML