Monsieur San Diego, United States 31 ans
Today, after a long night of drinking and partying, I woke up in my bed next to a beast of a woman. At least I know I made it home safely. FML
Today, I felt so lonely that I left the TV on for company. Then the power went out. FML
Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML
Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML
Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML
Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML
Today, after ordering pizza, I heard some strange noises coming from my basement so I called the cops. The pizza came fifteen minutes before the cops. FML
Today, while we were making love, he farted, then blamed it on his dog, who wasn't even in the room. The smell alone could have killed me. FML
Today, my brother got a pet ferret. He told me it had a flexible spine, so I bent it backwards. It farted, and clawed my face. FML
Today, my dad forgot me at cross country practice. When he got there two hours late, instead of apologizing, he said, "Hey, that's only the third time I've forgotten you at practice. You should be congratulating me." FML
Today, the driver's side window of my car was busted, and inside was a note that said, "Sorry, thought this was my car." FML
Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to make me wear a fake mustache during sex. He said it "turns him on." FML
Today, I sang a sweet lullaby to my two year-old son. In the process, he smacked me in the face and told me to please stop. My sister sings to him all the time and he loves it. FML
Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML
Today, I left my bedroom window open to let in some fresh air while I slept. A skunk got in and sprayed my room. FML
Today, I was giving an anti-drugs speech to a group of ninth graders. I got onto the topic of trafficking from problem countries and asked a student to point out Mexico City on a map. He hesitated a few seconds before pointing at Canada. What the hell has the education system come to? FML
Today, I had a blind date with a really cute guy. Just when I was about to invite him back to my place for a nightcap, he took out a catalog of Russian mail-order brides and asked for my help in picking out the best one. FML
Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML
Today, when I got home, I went into my room to find a Bratz doll and a Ken doll laying naked, on top of each other on my bed. Attached to them was a note that stated, "Please use your imagination and find other ways besides porn to get excited. The computer keeps getting viruses. Love, Mom." FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML
Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML
Today, I came to the realization I make a living trimming the hair off dogs' privates. I've touched more dog penises than I have human ones, and sometimes the dogs get "excited" while I'm working. FML
Today, I got a text just before class that my partner didn't finish their half of our 30 page research paper because: "That class is stupid." FML
Today, I hit my boss's car. It's only my second day on the job. FML
Today, I was run over by my own car as I tried to push it out of a snowbank. FML
Today, the girl I really liked started talking to me, so I asked her out on a date. After waiting an hour at the theatre, I texted her asking where she was. She replied with, "Oh! You were serious about the date?!" FML
Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML
Today, I rode home alone on a train. I accidentally missed my stop, but wasn't worried about it. My mom did not share my optimism and actually called the train company, saying that I was "lost" and "special". They thought she meant I was retarded. They wouldn't believe me when I said I wasn't. FML
Today, I had a panic attack because I was constipated. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
