cornyrob

Life imitates life

Today, my boss bitched me out for violating workplace privacy, after he found an FML post from last year that eerily resembled a situation that happened the same year. He thought I posted it and twisted things to make him look like an idiot. I've never posted here in my life. FML

Keeping it in the family

Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML

Today, after some great sex, my boyfriend mused: "You know, from this position, I could punch you in the cunt and you wouldn't be able to stop me." I could only relax when he finally fell asleep nearly an hour later. FML

Offroading

Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting while driving in order to wreck my car." I was too ashamed to tell him that a huge bug flew into my face causing me to veer off the road and into a brick mailbox. FML

Today, after putting in 110% at my shitty job for two years straight, my boss told me point-blank I'm too good in my current position for him to ever be able to justify promoting me. FML

Today, I got fired from my childcare job of five years because the other staff weren't as popular with the kids, so they accused me of being "creepy" because the kids all wanted to play a game with me instead of them. FML

Today, while doing the grocery shopping with my boyfriend we came across another woman also out shopping, who looked shockingly like me despite her being another race, hair color and the like. The second he saw her, he blurted out, ''Oh, it's a pretty version of you!'' FML

Today, my mom yelled at me for going through her closet for some warmer clothes. She had a rant about taking her clothes without her permission, all while wearing a pair of my boots and one of my sweaters. FML

Today, I was on a first date at a bar, when a girl walks over and ask me if I'm a doctor. I said yes, thinking she overheard me talking about my PhD. The girl then showed me a lump on her breast and asked what to do about it. My date then slapped me and left. FML

Kinda sus

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. My wife came in and thought I was jerking him off. She wouldn't believe my explanation. FML

Snoopy

Today, my sister found and read my journal. My first entry talked about how I shaved my ass for the first time. FML

Today, on my holiday in Thailand I was using the ATM to withdraw $500 worth of Baht. While doing this the ATM crashed and decided to restart. After 5 minutes it spat my card out and nothing else. When I returned to the hotel to use the Wifi, the ATM had deducted the money from my account. FML

Today, it's my birthday. I share it with a guy I've been seeing for over six months. I showed up with a handmade pie and a gift bag. His ex-girlfriend accepted it for him, as he was busy. FML

Hi there little guy

Today, I had severe constipation. I went to get some more laxatives when I felt something fall onto the top of my head. I reached up to see what it was and it turned out to be quite a large spider. Guess who isn't constipated anymore. FML

Today, I got yelled at in my office. It's construction, and I'm the youngest woman. One of my male bosses yelled at me because grown-ass adults won't sign in the log. Either I get my ass kicked by construction guys over a sign-in sheet, or yelled at by my boss. I can't win. FML

Today, I was volunteering at a neighborhood house tutoring a bunch of kids. Everything was going fine until one of them jumped on the table I was at, which broke and hit my knee. I swore in front of all the kids and my volunteer coordinator. FML

No thanks

Today, I sat down for class. The second I sat down, the guy next to me stood up and moved all the way to the other side of the class. FML

Today, after months of eating lunch with my best friend, going to Barnes and Noble, and having to poop while I was there, I realized I've trained myself to have to poop every single time I step into a Barnes and Noble. FML

Today, I found a thong at my boyfriend's house. When I confronted him about it, he panicked and claimed it was his mom's. Right. FML

Today, I was taking a quiz online called "Do Your Friends Actually Like You?" I quit after two questions because I remembered I don't actually have any friends. FML

Wandering

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I remembered I had a Reese's Krispy Kreme doughnut in the car. I orgasmed while thinking about a doughnut. FML

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I was afraid that one of their many cats would pee on me. I was peed on all right, by my grandma. FML

Today, I bought a friendship bracelet. I'm not sure what's sadder, the fact that I don't actually have a friend to give the other half to, or that I'm actually wearing one of them so it looks like I have friends. FML

Today, I had my first interview. Everything was going well until I made him repeat his name numerous times, as I couldn't understand what he was saying due to his thick accent. FML

Saucy talk

Today, I was showing my crush/co-worker how to operate a particular piece of machinery. She exclaimed out loud, "Oh! This knob pulls out," then mumbled under her breath, "… unlike my boyfriend." FML

Today, after laying down to sleep, my boyfriend seemed like he was having trouble trying to say something. After asking what was wrong a couple of times, he said, "I don't want to do this anymore" and got up and left. I had planned on telling him I love him. Saved myself some embarrassment I guess. FML

Today, I got mugged. For my Big Mac. What the fuck? FML

Today, my boyfriend finally told me that he loved me. This would've been fantastic if he didn't say it when I caught him sleeping with my best friend. FML

Knackered

Today, my boyfriend and I fell asleep twice during sex. FML

Today, I was fired from my job because I, in my boss's words, "Abided by company policy to such an extent that customers were starting to hate me." FML