Monsieur Vancouver , Canada 34 ans Célibataire
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her dad showed me his gun collection, and said the first rule of gun safety is never to point a gun at something you don't intend to kill. All while waving a handgun in my direction and glaring at me with barely suppressed rage. FML
Today, my mom texted me, asking what I'd like her to get for dinner tonight. I texted back "Something exotic if you're up for it :)". Except I accidentally typed "erotic". I only noticed the typo when I checked after getting no reply. She comes home in a couple of hours. Shit, shit, shit. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She slapped me in the face, stormed out and won't answer my calls. What the hell? FML
Today, my boyfriend flamboyantly proposed to me in a packed restaurant. I promptly had a panic attack and fainted in front of at least fifty people and a full mariachi band. FML
Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML
Today, I accidentally Googled "best types of incest" instead of "best types of incense" on the family computer. The parental controls went nuts. I'm now grounded, and my parents are convinced I need psychiatric help. FML
Today, I found my daughter's fanfiction account. I need a new pair of eyes, or brain bleach, or both. FML
Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, I noticed a guy checking out my ass in the mirror behind the bar where I work. He was cute, so I thought I'd put on a little show. I bent over to reach for something near the floor, which caused me to let rip a series of uncontrollable farts, like popping bubble wrap. He quickly left. FML
Today, I was unfortunate enough to discover what happens when you vomit mid-drink at a water fountain. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML
Today, I got so desperate for cash that I decided to start selling my used panties online. FML
Today, my stomach growled so loud in class that a boy sitting next to me thought his phone had vibrated. FML
Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML
Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML
Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML
Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML
Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML
Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML
Today, at work, a customer told me that my teeth would make a very pretty necklace. FML
Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth worked on. I got tongue-tied and instead of asking if they could anesthetize me, I accidentally asked if they could euthanize me. FML
Today, I found out that my new boyfriend is a "Men's Rights Activist". FML
Today, I did such a bad job explaining the recent change from daylight savings time, that my 5-year-old son is now convinced that we're time travellers. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML
Today, my daughter told me she wanted to divorce me. FML
Today, I got married. The minister pronounced us husband and wife using our first names. Except he used my husband's ex-wife's name. I happened to glance at my mother-in-law who was almost in tears from laughing so hard. FML
Today, at a bar, I overheard two attractive men speaking in French. I went over and tried to introduce myself with what little French I know. They looked at me like I was crazy and then said in English, "What are you doing?" Turns out they weren't speaking French. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about the difference between the U.S. and Canada when she asked me if they have their own government. She wasn't sure if they were governed by the U.S. or if they didn't have a government at all. She's a 33-year-old college graduate. FML
Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his taser at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tased him for acting aggressively. FML
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