pacman12

Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML

Today, I was so hungover, I started yelling at inanimate objects. My mom walked in on me calling my cereal a "worthless piece of shit sent from the bowels of Hell." FML

Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML

Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML

Shy girl

Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML

Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

Today, while using the restroom at McDonald's, a hand reached under my stall and took the remaining toilet paper. FML

Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML

Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

New laws

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

Today, I learned that the "If I can't see you, you can't see me." rule is entirely false. Just because I can't initially see my creepy neighbor, doesn't mean he isn't watching me change my clothes through the blinds. FML

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML