Today, I dropped my Blackberry, but thanks to the protective gel case that I just purchased for it... it bounced and fell right into a sidewalk drainage sewer. FML
Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML
Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML
Today, I found out that my mom and dad got a divorce. They didn't tell me, they just changed their relationship status on Facebook. FML
Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML
Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML
Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML
Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML
Today, the only person to wish me a "Happy birthday" was the cop who'd pulled me over, as he handed me my ticket. FML
Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML
Today, I realized that I frequently argue with myself and respond back. FML
Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shat myself. FML
Today, I finally found where the awful lingering stench in my house was coming from. My son thought it would be funny to piss in the baby's humidifier. He's 16. FML
Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML
Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML
Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML
Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. FML
Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML
Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML
Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML
Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML
Today, while driving my new car, a squirrel ran in front of me so I slammed on my brakes. The person behind me didn't notice and rear-ended me. The squirrel got hit by a car going the opposite direction. FML
Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML
Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML
Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML
Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML
Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML
Today, I was told that I may die by the time I'm 30, and that I should Google the disorder because he doesn't know what it is for sure. FML
Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML
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