CTFxCtard

Today, I went to a nursing home to sing Christmas carols to the elderly. They threw their bananas at me. FML

Today, after recently moving to America as I've always dreamt of, I saw my first, majestic deer. My boyfriend slammed it with the rental car. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while placing her order. I work as a Drive-Thru cashier at McDonalds. FML

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister, and me. FML

Today, I found a wallet containing an ID card. I managed to track down the owner, who now is threatening to call the police if I don't return the 400 dollars that he insists were also in it. FML

How dare you?

Today, I bought cupcakes from a bakery by my work. I took them home, at which point my mother screamed at me because she's on a diet. Hours later I found the whole box empty. Great self-control, mom. FML

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

Today, my family and I were burning our Christmas tree. For a laugh, my dad jokingly pushed me toward the fire. I tripped, and my doctor says the burns are probably going to scar. FML

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. When they started playing my favorite song I whipped out my video camera and sang along. As I was reviewing the video later, I realized that I couldn't even hear the band over my horrible singing. FML

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now smells like cinnamon, with a hint of freshly embalmed corpse. FML

Red tape

Today, after finally returning to my house after over a year overseas, I found that my neighbours built a wall covering the only window in my bedroom. Not only is my room eternally musty and pitch black, but the council won't accept my complaint, because apparently my window was illegally built. FML

Jog on

Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML

Today, I discovered that you can't always assume your little brother is kidding when he says that you have a spider on top of your head. FML

Today, I learned that my roommate doesn't actually know a damn thing about cooking. I'm suffering the effects of him telling me that chicken is best eaten medium-rare. FML

Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML

Today, as I was crossing an intersection, a car ran a red light and almost hit me. This kind of thing happens a lot in my town so I'm used to almost being run-down, except this time it was a small boy on his father's lap steering. The dad was laughing. FML

Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while." Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you." FML

Today, I admitted to my parents that I have an eating disorder. Instead of trying to help, my mom stared at me and said, "Duh". FML

Grooming

Today, I trimmed my beard. When I showed my wife, she said, "Yeah, but you still look like a serial killer." FML

Today, I laughed when I shouldn't have and am probably fired. What happened? My boss asked me if birds were reptiles. I thought he was kidding. FML

Today, my husband put some photos of our wedding on Facebook. He named the album "FML". FML

Today, I watched as my dad noticed a spider on the ceiling. Instead of getting a shoe, he pulled out a 9mm and shot it. I'm not sure if this is an epic win or a sign that my family is crazy. FML

Today, I was at work, photographing a baby boy. I grabbed a bench for him to use to hold himself upright. His mom asked if she should hold him instead, but I told her he'd be fine. Two seconds later, he fell backwards and brought the bench down on top of him. There goes my job. FML

Blue Christmas ?

Today, I used a man's shirt as a pillowcase and sprayed it with cologne so I wouldn't feel alone in the night. FML

Today, I walked into my upstairs bathroom to find my mom's new boyfriend eating soup, naked on the toilet. In shock, I stepped back and fell down a flight of stairs, backwards, and hit my head on wall, leaving a dent in it. FML

Today, I found out my girlfriend is only with me because I'm a mechanic and I fix her constantly broken-down car for free. FML

Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML

Today, I spent hours crafting a tiara to look like the princess from my boyfriend's favourite game series, Zelda. I sent him a picture of me wearing it, and got the reply: "Sure, that's nice, but you'd be better as Majora." FML