Today, my husband admitted to me that he has a mental block about touching my boobs, because he's afraid that breast milk is going to spurt out at him. I had my son 5 months ago and I don't breast feed. FML
Today, I managed to fall face-first into a used condom. FML
Today, my guy, who is a PhD candidate, informed me that it is his goal in life to own every Will Ferrell movie. FML
Today, I went to go see a specialist for my prostate and was told he would have to do an exam before I could leave. Having had this checked just the previous year, I was more than a little irritated. As I was bent over the table the Dr. said, "Now, just pretend I'm Angelina Jolie." FML
Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML
Today, I was eating pizza with my girlfriend. She got sauce on the corner of her mouth so I tried to be sexy and lick it off. It wasn't sauce, it was a cluster of zits. FML
Today, after going to the doctor to have him look at a rash on my man bits, I asked him how to get rid of the redness. He shrugged and said: "Don't worry, nobody will see it other than you and me." He's right. FML
Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML
Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML
Today, I realized that my ex has REALLY dumped me for a video game. And he will not change his mind. FML
Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML
Today, when I came home, my daughter's baby-sitter was busy smelling my thongs. FML
Today, I was eating at a nice restaurant. Feeling curious, I daringly asked for the surprise "Maiden's Dream" dessert. The waiter came back with a banana between two balls of ice-cream on a plate, and no spoon. FML
Today, well, last night, I told my girlfriend that I'm a light sleeper, and that the slightest disturbance will wake me up. As a result, this morning when I looked in the mirror I noticed a bunch of stuff written all over my body, like "You see, you didn't wake up!", "Nor now!". FML
Today, I fell in love with a girl who used to love me. She doesn't anymore. FML
Today, my portfolio manager called me and said he had invested all of my retirement in Circuit City. FML
Today, I figured I'd throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how "gifted" he was below the belt. He thinks he's paying me a compliment when he tells me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I'm trying to lose weight, asshole. FML
Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML
Today, me and my family watched the video of my birth. In the video, when my mother sees me for the first time, she says "God he's ugly!" FML
Today, I have an autoimmune disease which causes my penis to look like a tie-dye t shirt. FML
Today, while I was babysitting my nephews, the 7 year old boy walked up to me and asked if I was a lesbian. I laughed it off. An argument ensued about my sexuality for a good two hours. I lost. FML
Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML
Today, I fell down the stairs twice. I fell from the top, stopped in the middle, stood up, stepped down one more step, tripped, and fell down the rest of the stairs. FML
Today, my mom slept all day. But when she got out of bed for five minutes, she told me I was a worthless piece of shit. Then she went back to bed. FML
Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and I was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML
Today, my girlfriend was about to give me a blowjob. When her lips met my penis, there was a huge static shock. I never got the blowjob, she is still laughing and I have ice on my penis. FML
Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. I said, "Yeah I was funny, huh?" She replied, "Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one." FML
Today, I accidentally unplugged my headphones in the quiet section of the library, causing my music to play from my laptop at full volume. I was listening to Celine Dion. I'm the captain of the football team. FML
Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML
Today, I told the man I'm sleeping with that I thought my sister was prettier than me. His response : "Not significantly." FML
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