Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML
Today, while babysitting, the little boy explained to me why I was single, reasons such as 'unattractive' and 'not the girlfriend type'. I cried. FML
Today, I got ice cream with a guy I'd met at a wrestling match a few days ago. When I got home, I found out that my mother had been sitting in the parking lot and watched us through the windows. FML
Today, I saw my boyfriend of two years had joined a group on Facebook called "Guys who are proud of their girlfriends". I smiled and was about to like it when I noticed a comment below from a girl saying, "Awww thanks babe :) xxxx." FML
Today, after celebrating my birthday yesterday, getting really drunk, I woke up naked in the bathroom at my girlfriend's house. Why did I wake up? Her father walked in. FML
Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML
Today, I told my parents I wanted to try modelling. I thought that since I have such a low self-esteem, that it might benefit me, and make me feel better about myself and how I look. The first thing out of my dad's mouth was, "What? Why? You're ugly." Thanks dad. FML
Today, my boyfriend was talking with his friends about how long girls take to get ready (hair, make-up, etc.). I said, "I never spend a long time getting ready." He then looked at me and said, "Maybe you should." FML
Today, after doing it with my girlfriend, she told me that she was "faking the whole time, and thinking of talking cupcakes." FML
Today, I discovered that if I put my ankles on my boyfriend's shoulders while we are having sex, I will pee myself. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend had his phone taken away by his dad for this past week. I have been sending him naked photos and other naughty things this entire week, or so I thought. FML
Today, I saw a spider crawling on my new roommate's cheek, so I told her to stand still so that I could flick it off. Several long seconds of flicking made me realize that it wasn't a spider at all. I had been flicking her hairy mole. FML
Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to "pop the question." Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML
Today, I got into a nasty fight, and ended up leaving with a black eye. The fight was with a champagne bottle cork. I was opening the bottle to celebrate the New Year, at home, alone. FML
Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML
Today, at the supermarket, my mother stopped in the middle of a lane and imitated a gorilla as a way of asking me from far away if I wanted any bananas. FML
Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML
Today, I was in class when all of a sudden I was hit in the head by a metal pencil case. My teacher threw it at me to get my attention. FML
Today, I spent my remaining cash on a doctor's visit, only to find out that at the age of 22, I'm getting major health problems brought on by stress. I came home to relax, only to find out my roommate can't pay his rent, and needs me to cover for him so we don't get evicted. FML
Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to try something new. By something new, it was to put flour in my butt and see what would happen if I farted. FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. I started to moan right when I was about to climax. He got worried, stopped and asked, "Are you okay?!" FML
Today, I wore my cheerleading uniform to my boyfriend's house. He was a nerd in high school and mentioned a fantasy about hooking up with a cheerleader. I started acting sassy and a little mean, figuring he would enjoy a more realistic experience. Apparently not, because he started to cry. FML
Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML
Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML
Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML
Today, I was so lonely that I was comforted by the sound of mice running through the walls of my apartment. I left cheese and peanut butter out for them to find so that I could at least have a pet for company. FML
Today, I asked my kids if I looked good before going to work. Smiling, they told me I looked wonderful. It wasn't until I got to work and looked into the mirror until I noticed my left eyebrow was gone. FML
Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML
Today, I was in my family's hotel room taking a dump. The lock to the bathroom was broken so we had made a deal: when the door is closed, someone is using the toilet. The maid didn't know that. She punched me in the face because she claimed I scared her. FML
Today, I realized that I text my boyfriend more than I see him. He's my next door neighbor. FML
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