Today, I found out I can't go to my best friend's birthday party. To cheer me up, my parents decided to take me and my brother to my favorite pizzeria for dinner. When I was ready and went downstairs, I discovered they left already. They forgot me. FML
Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were at a park, alone, late at night. Things were getting kind of heavy and he started undressing me, when we heard a loud "Hey!" and a flashlight coming through the bushes. My boyfriend then decided to ditch me, while still holding my shirt and bra. FML
Today, I realized the fastest way to wake up isn't from an alarm clock. It's from the warm, wet sensation of your old and senile cat peeing on you and your bed. I swear he was smiling. FML
Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he reached out onto my dressing table to grab the lube. He missed, and found the hand sanitizer instead. I'm not sure who is in more pain. FML
Today, I found out that my mom has linked my iPhone with her iPad and has been secretly reading my texts. FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch with my family. They didn't even notice me there until the dog started barking at me because I took his spot. My mom defended the dog, and now I'm sitting on the floor while a Pomeranian takes up half the couch for himself. FML
Today, I got a new cell phone number and sent a text to my wife. Playing around, I said, "Hey sexy are you alone yet? I'm ready to come over." She responded with, "Hey, yeah he is at work - did you get a new number?" FML
Today, I overheard my parents talking about me and discussing how I've never had a boyfriend. My mum laughed that maybe they should pay someone to go out with me, and my dad replied, "Heh, not enough money in the world." FML
Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. My husband is fighting with his dad, who's fighting with his brother-in-law, who's fighting with his wife. The only ones not fighting are my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, who're getting along great on a squeaky mattress in the room next to mine. FML
Today, my mother in-law made dessert. It was a beautiful chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, and every other thing had chocolate in it. I'm deathly allergic to chocolate and she knows this. FML
Today, my parents told me they'd be willing to pay for me to get a nose job. I asked them what was wrong with my nose, and they said nothing, it's just not the kind of nose they'd prefer to feature in our Christmas photos. FML
Today, I found out that my dad paid for my sister's friend's airplane ticket so she could attend my sister's wedding. I would have been there myself, but I couldn't afford the airplane ticket. FML
Today, I set up a motion-activated sprinkler to drench the neighborhood kids who have been ding dong ditching me for years. Because they couldn't get close enough to ring the doorbell, they decided to start egging me instead. FML
Today, I was granted a donation to pay for a creative writing course. When I told my mom she couldn't even muster a smile. She found her excitement later, however, when she posted how proud she was of me on Facebook. I can only get praise through my mom attention-whoring on social media. FML
Today, my wicked mother has been with us for a week. She's already thrown away my daughter's favorite toy, broke my computer, scratched my oak table, stained my most expensive shirt, peed in our bed, and called the attention of the cops by staring at kids in school. She's staying for three months. FML
Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the Christmas trees it was carrying fell off straight into my bumper. The car behind me pulled over, but instead of seeing if I was okay, he just went to see whether or not either of the trees was in good enough shape to take home. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument while driving home from visiting family. We pulled into a gas station, and I went inside to grab a drink and cool down. When I came back out, both car and boyfriend were nowhere in sight. It was my car. FML
Today, the "man cold" has infected my brother. He honestly thinks he's dying. He only has the sniffles. FML
Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML
Today, I discovered that my stepbrother has been telling his friends that I'm his girlfriend. FML
Today, my crazy ex-girlfriend legally changed her last name to mine. I'm getting married in a week. FML
Today, while trying to break up with my girlfriend, I somehow ended up begging her not to break up with me. I'm still not sure how that happened. FML
Today, I’m starting my 28th year with 28 cents on my bank account. FML
Today, I was woken up by the sound of power tools at 6:30am. I stuck my head out my window and yelled at them to shut up. They didn't stop. I walked out the front door to find the bastard. It was firemen. They were sawing down the door of my neighbour's burning house. FML
Today, after a tiff with my boyfriend, I said to him, "You could at least PRETEND to love me sometimes." He responded with, "I do pretend to love you!" FML
Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML
Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML
Today, I went swinging with my friend at the park. Seeing a few cute guys playing basketball, I tried to act cute, laughing loudly and letting my hair fly all over the place. Just as they look over the swing broke. I fell on my face, my jeans sliding down, mooning them. They laughed hysterically. FML
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