Today, my father was playing with my son and his toy animals. He picked one up and said, "What is this? Some kind of African horse?" It was a zebra. FML
Today, I found my sister licking all of the silverware and putting it back in the drawer. FML
Today, I asked the girl I sort of like as we were leaving class how her day was going so far. She said, "Great. Don't ruin it." FML
Today, I was sitting at my computer, petting one of my cats, who was sitting on my lap. My other cat got jealous and tried to climb onto my lap as well. They ended up fighting. I was wearing shorts. FML
Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging about me to his friends, telling them I have a great smile, cute hair, and very perky tits. This wouldn't be so bad if we weren't both men. FML
Today, while heading to the bathroom, I saw my girlfriend putting some lingerie under my bed. I stupidly thought it was for some sexy time later. Well, later on, she dramatically "found" the lingerie and broke up with me. Almost everyone believes her story and thinks I'm a dirty cheater. FML
Today, I found three of my sister's dildos as I helped her unpack boxes for her new house. Jokingly, I said, "Why would you even need three?!" She actually explained. FML
Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind, "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML
Today, my brother woke me up by trying to light my bed on fire. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were trying something new. I ended up with a shard of glass in my back and a concussion. Don't have sex on a glass table. FML
Today, a guy called me out of the blue. Apparently, he'd copied my number from a sheet we'd filled out in church. He doesn't understand why I'm "overreacting". FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His father was completely wasted, his mom was high, and his 11-year-old sister was talking about her favorite alcoholic drinks at the dinner table. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first handjob. I was nervous, so when she went to do it, I panicked and yelled, "Firmly grasp it!" She then couldn't stop laughing because it was a line from SpongeBob. FML
Today, I found myself wondering if my sister's jaw makes the same clicking sound when she's giving head as it does when she's eating food. FML
Today, a council worker showed up on my doorstep for the final pool installation inspection, which was scheduled 10 years ago. FML
Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me, with some kind of girl's basketball game playing. When I stared into my girlfriend's eyes, she accused me of trying to check out the girls by looking at their reflection in her eyes. FML
Today, I found out how whipped I am when, at the climax of sex, I moaned, "I'm sorry!" FML
Today, I have bad adult acne. This wouldn't be so bad, except that it's only on one side of my face. I look like a Batman villain. FML
Today, I took my driving test. I was really nervous, but I thought I did pretty well in the end. That is until I parked the car and looked to the examiner. He was visibly shaken. He said I'd passed, quickly filled in the paperwork and left. On the downside, my car still smells of his shart. FML
Today, I saw a stick in my car and picked it up to throw it out the window. The "stick" turned out to have eyes. It was a dead lizard. FML
Today, my parents threatened to take away my college funds. Why? Because I complained about my 10 pm curfew during break as a freshman in college. FML
Today, my boyfriend's dad called me a whore and said I'm trying to use his son and "steal" his virginity for my own needs. My boyfriend has had sex with over 10 girls and I'm a virgin. FML
Today, I went to a job interview. It was my last shot of getting a job before my savings run dry. It all went well until I was asked why I wanted to join the company. I got flustered and stuttered, "Because I um, I like money?" The guy gave me the most insincere "We'll be in touch." ever. FML
Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML
Today, while trying to take a crap, I shut the bathroom door. A minute later, my 3 year old daughter knocked and said "Mommy, do you wanna build a snowman?" She kept singing the song until I was finally done. FML
Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in his car. We were in the front seat and I was on top. My ass hit the horn and scared my boyfriend so bad, he jumped, causing me to hit my head so hard that I swear I got a concussion. FML
Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML
Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML
Today, at Walmart, a crazy old woman bitched me out for being pregnant. She kept following me around, calling me a stupid teen slut and saying she hoped my baby died so I could live a "normal life." I'm 26 and just very short. FML
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