JordainAshley

Today, my brother and I took our cars to get oil changes. While we were there, a guy asked if we were dating. When we told him we were siblings, he responded with, "So?" FML

Today, I was playing an intense game of Flappy Bird. I was so excited at being about to beat my high score that I got a hard-on. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, my mother took me to go and see my grandfather, who I hadn't seen since I was 4. The first thing he said to me was, "Pfwoarr, look at those tits." FML

Shy bowels

Today, I still have my ridiculous fear of being heard on the toilet, and I can't go if people are around. I'd just sat down on the toilet when three of my housemates started chatting immediately outside the door. I had to sit silently until they were gone. For half an hour. FML

Gross

Today, a bird got into the walls of my house through a hole. I located where it was by following the chirping and scratching sounds, and drilled a hole to get it out. I pulled out the drill, only to find the drill bit bloody. Suddenly, no more chirps. FML