Mademoiselle My room, Narnia Célibataire
Today, my son asked me if the short films I write are for little kids or for adults. Since I write horror-filled films, I said they were for adults. He went and told his teacher that I made "adult films". FML
Today, my girlfriend of over a year woke me up at 4:30 in the morning by sticking her hand down my pants. She immediately stopped when I was awake enough to reciprocate and said, "I couldn't sleep. I was bored. Talk to me." FML
Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML
Today, I heard whimpering while I was in my bedroom. Thinking it was my parents doing something nasty, I let them do it and turned on my music. My parents came home from work and I realised they were never home. I went into the room and saw my dead dog laying on the floor. FML
Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML
Today, as I was taking my three year-old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML
Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML
Today, I took a big sip of water while on a bus. It went down the wrong pipe, causing me to cough and hack loudly. The old woman sitting across from me asked if I was OK. Jokingly, I said, "Just dying." She replied, "You too, huh?" FML
Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML
Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML
Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those '70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML
Today, it was my final meeting with my psychologist who was helping me with my bipolar disorder. I just found out that he committed suicide. FML
Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML
Today, I was with my grandma waiting in a line. She only speaks Chinese and there was a black man in front of us talking his phone. My grandma tells me that the black man's really loud and annoying. The man finishes and turns and said fluently in Chinese, "What's wrong with loud black men?" FML
Today, I found out that I'm failing this semester because I've missed too many classes. I've missed the classes because I've been having panic attacks, a symptom of my anxiety disorder. I got the anxiety disorder because I was so afraid of failing school. FML
Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML
Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML
Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML
Today, I finally exchanged pictures with the woman I've been seeing online for some time now. She replied, saying "Thats not funny. Some people actually look like that." I sent my real picture, and thought I actually looked pretty good in it. FML
Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the sh*t out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML
Today, my friends decided it would be funny to scare me by tilting the portable street toilets while I was taking a dump in one of them. One of my friends accidentally rocked it too hard and it fell on the floor. They wouldn't even let me sit in the car after because I had shit all over me. FML
Today, I was working Customer Service at Walmart. An elderly lady came to my register to return a pair of white pants. I asked her what was wrong with them and she replied, "Even when I had underwear on you could still see my pubic hair." The pants had hair on them. FML
Today, I went to my friend's house for the first time. As I was pulling up, I called him and asked him if I could use his bathroom. He told me to just go in the back and use it, so i did. As i'm sitting on the toilet, someone knocks on the door and asks me who I am. It wasn't my friend's house. FML
Today, I was at the store with my mother in the facial care section. I found this device that scrubs your face with those anti-bacterial pads. The aisle was crowded and noisy, so I shouted to my mother, "Can I have this vibrator thing?" It went silent. FML
Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML
Today, an extremely attractive woman from FedEx came to deliver my new phone. I was wearing athletic shorts and had an erection. She looked down and laughed. FML
Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower. Instead, I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML
Today, I got on my computer and saw my little brother had left his myspace page up with a message between him and his friend. They were talking about a plan to basically humiliate me in any way possible. It was called "Operation: Fat Cow." FML
Today, I finally got the courage to go on a first date with this guy I had a crush on for months. It was such a big deal for me cause it was my first date ever. The first thing he says when we met was, "I have to take a dump." I sat by myself for 10 minutes. FML
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