knights13z

Today, my teenage daughter asked me to buy her the morning after pill, saying, "It's for my acne." FML

Alexa, play "Love in a Car" by The House of Love

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML

Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML

Today, my loving five-year-old daughter started singing Christmas carols again. Ones that she made up herself, of course. Including "Walking in a fucking wonderland" and "Rudolph the red nosed asshole". FML

Today, while on vacation, my parents called to inform me that my best friend had died in a car accident. Why? To trick me into tearfully confessing my love for him. It worked. FML

Stage 1?

Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML

Today, I told my mom that I got into National Honor Society and Beta Club. Most parents are proud but not her. She told me to get a job and that she was tired of my school shit. FML

Today, my sister told me about her upcoming trip to Mexico. I asked her how she was going to do anything without knowing any Spanish. She told me she's "just going to read their lips". FML

Red flag

Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML

Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML

Unfair

Today, a coworker and I got bitched out and suspended by our boss after our computers got infected with a weird porn virus. It soon turned out the virus had come from our boss's infected memory stick. Did he apologize? No. Is our suspension still in force? Yes. FML

Zach from Extra Fabulous Comics Illustrated this FML!

Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML

Celebrate good times come on!

Today, it's the first birthday of the condom in my pocket. FML

It's catching

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML

Today, my father described me as "the sort of sucker women marry then cheat on all the time." My mother agreed with him. FML

Today, my boyfriend gave his penis a high five for not getting me pregnant. He does this every time I get my period. Every. Single. Time. FML

Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML

Just good friends

Today, I confronted my girlfriend after catching her cheating on me. After she finished crying, she had the brass balls to say she'd understand if I needed a couple of weeks to forgive her, and asked me for bus fare so she could go tell the other guy they could only be friends now. FML

Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML

Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

Ice-breaker

Today, I went on a first date. Everything was going well until he asked me, "So, what's the biggest thing you've stuck up your vag?" FML

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

Today, at the gym, some muscle head idiot started yelling at the treadmill for not going fast enough, and I muttered "roid rage". Apparently said roids give him superhuman hearing, because he heard me from the other side of the room, and threatened to kill me. FML

Sneeeeek!

Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML

Today, some idiot introduced my grandmother to yoga pants. FML

Today, I was locked out of my house. As I was about to knock on the window to ask my girlfriend to let me in, I saw her on the sofa, digging a huge booger out of her nose and eating it. FML

Army dudes

Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend. Trying to be romantic, I complimented her on how nice her hair smelled. She replied: "Yeah? Wait till you smell this." then let out the vilest, most nauseating fart I'd ever smelled in my life. FML