knights13z

Today, I got suspended from work after getting caught reading a work-related FML. Irony is funny, but it doesn't pay the bills. FML

Today, I won a big raffle. However, my name is so ridiculous-sounding that they thought someone was playing a prank, and pulled a different ticket. I was too embarrassed to say anything. FML

Today, I asked my mom about signing up for an online dating site. She took one look at me and said, "Why get rejected online when you can just go outside for the same?" FML

Been there, done that

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

Today, I found out that if you wake your 7-year old sister up by plugging her nose, you'll wake up the next morning, taped down and unable to move as she pours ice water on you. FML

Today, as I wandered through the streets of an unfamiliar city, I spotted a cop and darted across the street to ask for assistance. He kindly gave me directions as he wrote me out a citation for jaywalking. FML

Today, I woke up because of a weird noise. Scared, I turned on my bedside lamp. I saw my older, 17-year-old brother peeing in my bedroom doorway. He was hoping I'd step in it in the morning. FML

Today, at work in a library, I found a dirty diaper stuffed under one of the public use computer desks. Not only was it leaking, but it had been run over several times by a rolling office chair. I had to clean it up. FML

Today, I let my coworker use my PC during lunch, because his was having problems. A few hours later, my boss called me into his office and gave me hell for apparently looking at furry porn during lunch break. He won't believe my explanation. For fuck's sake, Dave. FML

Grounded

Today, I had a seizure while at the airport, ready to go on vacation with my family. We ended up missing our flight. My mom spent most of the ride home making cracks about how I'm always ruining things with my "dramatics". Sorry that I have epilepsy, mom. FML

Today, I found a piece of erotic fiction on my brother's computer. It involved two lesbian teenagers, who just so happened to have the same names and physical descriptions as my sister and me. FML

Thoughts and prayers

Today, I heard my sister gagging in her room. She was doing it quietly, and I got pretty concerned, after hearing a lot about bulimia recently. I knocked, then heard a gasp, so I let myself in, only to see her on her knees and her boyfriend with his underwear around his ankles. FML

Today, I called my boyfriend and invited him over to watch a movie. He was all for it, until I mentioned I was on my period, at which point he said "NOPE." and hung up on me. FML

Get out

Today, my mother kicked me out of the house because her new boyfriend needs my room. Evidently he also needs my credit card, passport, and wallet too, because she kept all three, while tossing everything else out on the lawn. FML

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

Today, I took part in a raffle that was being organised in the small countryside village where I'm vacationing. I live in big city. I won a duck. A real, live duck. FML

Today, I excitedly told my family that, after years of studying and dedication, I've been awarded a full scholarship to Germany. My mom's reaction was to start sobbing about me becoming a "heathen" and my dad and brother started telling Nazi jokes. FML

Today, after having multiple dreams where I have a daughter with my boyfriend, I'm now emotionally attached to a child who isn't real, and I get depressed when I can't be with her in real life. FML

Today, I asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He smiled broadly and said "A porn star!" FML

Today, while on a tour bus, our guide told us that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committed pacifist, but I was already halfway out of my seat to choke the pimply-faced twat out before I managed to restrain myself. Now I'm scared of myself. FML

Today, I found out that my doctor wasn't kidding when he said "sudden diarrhea may occur" with my new medication. I learned this while walking my dog a mile away from my house. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me. I asked why, and he said, "Because sometimes you look good, and you buy me stuff." FML

Today, my car got towed. My money is in my car and they won't let me open my car to get money until my car is "released". FML

Today, it's my birthday. When I asked my mom if we were gonna do anything special for my birthday. She said, "Don't lie to me. It's not your birthday." FML

Today, while I was at the dentist, I couldn't stop gagging when he tried to put a tab in my mouth to get an x-ray. As I left, I overheard him saying, "I feel sorry for her boyfriend." FML

Today, I had to awkwardly grab my pink dildo after my husband's friend asked what it was that my dog was chewing on. FML

Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk to the girl I like. After awkwardly saying hi, I manage to work up a nice conversation with her. I thought everything was going well, until I got home and realized that she had stolen money out of my wallet. FML