ZeroIce

Gullible

Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML

Today, I was dumped. My boyfriend was too afraid to break up with me, so he sent the girl he cheated on me with. FML

Today, I was called an 'unhelpful little bitch' by a customer, after I informed her that we couldn't order a pair of shoes she wanted from the company in her size because it's a discontinued model. This little tirade continued for another few minutes, with her insulting me and my intelligence. FML

Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML

Today, I had a package stolen from my porch. It was a shipment of customized M&M's for a Valentine's gift. I spent $60 for someone else to eat "I love you" messages. FML

Today, my alcoholic mother decided to finally check herself into rehab. She did it while drunk, and flirted with the front attendant. FML

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

Today, I have to follow through with the bet I lost over the Super Bowl game. I don't have a problem running a lap nude around my block, but the cops in the police station right across from my house probably will. FML

Today, I saw my girlfriend at the store and joyfully greeted her. She got really mad at me - it was her identical twin sister, who I still cannot tell apart from my girlfriend. We've been dating for three years. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over to my parents' house for dinner. My dad made Holocaust jokes the entire time. My boyfriend is Jewish. FML

Today, I bought my mother an apple pie. She made a face at it and said that she'd decided to go on a diet. After I'd left the house, she put it in the oven, forgot about it, and burnt it to a crisp. She then called me up to inform me that I'd wasted my money, and to get her "another damn pie." FML

Fate

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a coworker. I got her the job. FML

Today, I sneaked off work early. As I was in the elevator on the way down to leave, it stopped at my boss's floor, and he got in. FML

Cheer up

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she'd had a horrible day at work. They showed her my "hysterical" badge picture to cheer her up. FML

Today, I got denied a job. They told me I was unreliable because I didn't show up for my third interview. This is the same interview they called and cancelled this morning. FML

Nasty

Today, I was attacked by a bird at three in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and it decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

FOCUS!

Today, we got a new seating arrangement in my science class. I'm now sitting between two people who have spent the last 20 minutes whispering dirty things to one another. FML

Today, I was sick, so I emailed my co-workers with a list of my hours, asking if anyone would be willing to cover them for me. I only got one hour covered, and that was during a day I don't even work. FML

Today, I finally got up the courage to tell my boyfriend of a year and a half that I love him. His response was to start to snore, pretending to be asleep. FML

Today, I came home to a homeless man sleeping in my living room. It turns out he thought my house was abandoned due to its disheveled appearance, and decided to break in. FML

Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

Today, my dad put in wall plug-ins that emit high frequencies that are suppose to ward off mice. I must be a mouse, because I can hear the annoying noise in every room I walk into. FML

Today, after I spent nearly three hours building an igloo, my dog decided it would be a nice to enter it and take a shit. FML

Today, I had to pee in the kitchen sink because my bathroom is being completely revamped, and the only other toilet in the house is my parents'. They refuse to let anyone use it. FML

Today, I was at a Buddhist shrine and wanted to light a candle for my friend who's having a rough time, when I got stung by a bee. I spent the next hour with a swollen shoulder. How does karma work again? FML

Today, I received my new car-seat covers. I wrote my car off yesterday. FML

Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML

Guildy pleasure

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I nearly had a panic attack when too many people joined my World of Warcraft party. FML