ZeroIce

Today, I decided to quit smoking. During my lunch break, I tried to ash the KitKat bar that was in my hand after I took a bite. FML

Today, I told my girlfriend of 2 years that I was sexually abused as a kid. She was only the third person I've told. She reacted by breaking up with me because I "might do something" to her kids. FML

Today, because I am pregnant with a weak bladder, I woke up with morning sickness and had to decide very quickly whether I wanted to vomit or pee in the toilet. I now have to clean the chunks off the wall. FML

Today, I was watching a video about spiders. When I felt a tickle on my foot, I kicked hard in panic. It was one of our newborn kittens walking. I almost killed it. FML

Today, after doing it with my girlfriend, she told me that she was "faking the whole time, and thinking of talking cupcakes." FML

Today, my boyfriend of two years told his friend that he decided a long time ago that he would never be faithful to a woman. I was sitting next to him. FML

Today, it's my two year anniversary with my wife. She's celebrating the day with her new boyfriend. FML

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

Today, I was sucking on a Tic Tac. Just as I was starting to get into it, the Tic Tac suddenly shot down my throat. After a minute of coughing and gagging, it came back up… out my left nostril. FML

Thanks, dude

Today, I was feeling really sick when I was with my boyfriend at the park. When we were walking, I got really dizzy and collapsed. My boyfriend didn't catch me. His mom took me to the hospital. While I was being poked with needles, he was at home playing COD. FML

Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML

Today, my virgin girlfriend who wanted to lose her virginity to me got on Google, and quizzed me on how to properly put on a condom. She doesn't trust me. FML

Today, my house was broken into. Apparently, I have nothing good enough in my house to steal, so they took my cake. FML

Today, I picked up my friend's new kitten so enthusiastically I scared it and it shat all over me. I literally scared the shit out of it. FML

Today, my thirteen month old son woke me up at 6AM on my day off, by punching me in the eye. FML

Today, I sent a friend request on facebook to the only person I became friends with this semester at college. He denied me. FML

Today, I mailed out a college application that is going to another country. I paid $250 for the application and $11 for shipping. I just realized that I forgot to sign the bottom of the application. FML

Today, I had a panic attack because I was constipated. FML

Today, the midwest blizzard hit my town, burying the roads in snow. All the local stores are closed. I'm not only currently on my period, but I'm out of pads and toilet paper. FML

Compliance

Today, I was forced to attend a fire safety class, as required by my job. Last year, I completed the fire academy as a volunteer fireman. The class was not only insulting, but wrong in many ways. I got kicked out for pointing them out. I now have to take it again, or be fired. FML

Powerful

Today, on the train, a cute girl gave me her number. After maybe half an hour, she went to her seat and I went to the toilet for a quick but loud and painful dump. I opened the door and saw her outside getting bitch-slapped by the smell. FML

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

Amazing idea, idiots

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, the kids in the pool decided to start a new game. The game involved spreading out to different parts of the pool and pretending to be drowning at the same time. Whoever was "saved" first, won. FML

Judgemental

Today, my sister told me not to come over anymore because her baby is scared of my face. FML

Today, while working at Kohl's this woman came up to me and asked if I was Native American, I said yes, she then says "Oh! I thought you guys went extinct." This is the country I live in. FML

Today, my kids decided putting laxatives in my coffee would loosen me up and calm my nerves. I have a 3 hour long meeting soon. FML

Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

Today, my younger brother decided it would be funny to put rubbing alcohol in my contact lens case while I had them soaking overnight. I didn't realize this until I put the first one in. FML