THExDinomite

Today, I told my dad that I broke up with my first serious girlfriend. He responded by blaring sad breakup songs as loud as he could throughout the house, just to see me "cry like a bitch". FML

Deranged

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML

Today, I was stuck in my apartment complex's elevator. I was shouting out for help when a voice came screaming, "This is the fire department." I was relieved until he said, "Just kidding." FML

Reflex

Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

Who goes there?

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML