fairman

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

Lonely birthday

Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some flowers and a cake "for a friend". The guy who delivered it to my house was the same guy from the counter. FML

Today, I discovered that the more money I earn, the more my personal belongings break down on me. FML

Bowl cut

Today, I learned it's best not to piss off your mom when she's cutting your hair. FML

Today, I was walking my dog, and a whole bunch of teenagers were driving around my neighborhood throwing water balloons at people. They followed me for 3 blocks. FML

I got skills

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

Today, I was browsing the web when I checked the search history. Turns out my son has been searching for "nude grills" and "hot grills." Not only is my 12-year-old son attempting to find porn on the internet, he also can't spell. FML

Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML

Today, I have a huge scab on my thigh. What from? My thighs rubbing together. FML

Today, I realized burying my dog underneath our swing-set was a bad idea. My two sons are now scarred for life. FML

Today, I was taking a dump behind a dumpster. I suddenly heard a noise and a vibration against the dumpster. It was a garbage truck lifting it to collect the trash. The garbage men started laughing and took out their phones. FML

Today, I went mud wrestling for the first time at a mud bog. After a day of fun and getting cleaned up, I realized that my mom's ring was no longer on my finger. FML

Today, I was at work with my dad. He told me the only reason he's letting me work with him over the summer is because I'm a friendless loser, and he didn't want me staying home getting fatter. FML

Today, while cleaning the bathroom in a suite at the hotel I work at, I heard a couple come in, and then a marriage proposal. She said no, that she had been seeing someone else and left the room. I was then alone in the bathroom, listening to a grown man sob. FML

Today, I was camping with my family, and had to share a tent with my 13 year old brother. During the night he had to pee, but instead of going outside to use the bathroom, he zipped open a section of the tent, stuck his knob through it, and peed all over my shoes that were drying outside. FML

Today, my boss became very angry over her own mistake on a spreadsheet. She lashed out by throwing a can of SpaghettiOs at my head. FML

Today, I zoned out in a coffee shop for about two minutes and was brought back to reality when a woman smacked me out of my seat. Apparently I was staring at her chest while zoned out. FML

Today, I bought a $300 gym membership that gives me access to the company's non-premium gyms. The non-premium gyms are all closed due to construction, because they're being turned into premium gyms. FML

Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML

Today, thinking I was alone in a public bathroom, I started singing the words to my favorite song. A minute later that I heard a toilet flush, so I just sat there petrified. The other person sarcastically picked up the singing from where I left off. FML

Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML

Life's a beach

Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML

Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML

Today, my dad told me that after my two older siblings were born, he got a vasectomy. However, something went wrong, and the vasectomy had failed, resulting in me. FML

Today, my father tricked me into eating a Tasmanian habanero, saying it was just another pepper. The burning in my mouth was unbearable, but nothing compared to when I took a shit later in the day. FML

Today, I went to lunch with my sister. As the waitress was bringing our food, she dropped it on the floor. She apologized and brought us new food. After we finished eating and I looked at the bill, I noticed she'd charged us twice. FML

Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

Today, I went to Walmart to pick up some groceries. When I came out, the front end of my car was crushed in. On the window was a note only saying "Sorry I bumped into your car." FML

Sorry, but…

Today, my nephew spent a long while enthusiastically telling me how amazing his new 3D TV system is. I felt his pain as his face turned white when he remembered that I'm blind in one eye since birth. FML

Today, I decided to make homemade french fries. I figured all I needed was potatoes and salt, right? Wrong! I also needed the fire department and an ambulance. FML