Mademoiselle Hamilton, Canada 29 ans Célibataire
Today, I got married. My father saw this as a good time to give some solemn, heartfelt advice to my new husband: "That ring gets real heavy fast." I was standing right there. So was my mother. FML
Today, my grandmother tried to start a fist-fight with my wife during my wedding ceremony. FML
Today, despite years of paranoid checking, I forgot to check my towel for spiders after my shower. Two crawled onto me, and I'm pretty sure there's one somewhere in my hair. FML
Today, I babysat the brattiest and most foul-mouthed 8-year-old I've ever met. After I survived three hours of it, his parents finally came home. He claimed I'd invited a boy over and that we did "stuff" on the couch all evening. They believed him. I didn't get paid, to say the least. FML
Today, my long distance boyfriend told me no more nude pictures or sexting, as he's afraid the government will steal it all. FML
Today, I was having lunch with my fiancé's family. After he excused himself to use the bathroom, his grandmother glared at me, sneered, "I never liked you" and kept eating while the others smirked. When my fiancé returned, everyone pretended nothing had happened. FML
Today, my students turned in their male figure artwork. One absolute idiot had the smart idea of drawing me and the TA as some kind of gay lovers. I was torn between disgust at the explicitness, anger at the disrespect, and yet awe at how well-drawn it was. FML
Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML
Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML
Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my leg. My dad helped me to the car so he could drive me to the hospital, but when he saw our neighbor, he went over and had a 15 minute screaming match with him over how his dog keeps shitting on our lawn, all while I sat in the car in agony. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to make breakfast. Since I usually do all the cooking, I said that was fine. Four hours later, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the sidewalk across the street as the firemen sprayed down the burnt remains of our kitchen. FML
Today, my girlfriend sent me a text message confessing that she's been cheating on me. Apparently she regretted telling me the truth, because when I confronted her face-to-face, she claimed her roommate had sent it as a prank. She doesn't have a roommate. FML
Today, some pig slapped my ass as he passed me in the street, then looked back at me with a dirty grin. His grin turned to horror when he realized that I'm actually a guy, then to anger as he bitched me out for "tricking" him by "looking like a chick". FML
Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML
Today, I clogged the only toilet at work. Thinking I could escape and blame someone else, I opened the door, only to see a line of people waiting outside. FML
Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML
Today, I put my headphones on and laid down to relax to some music. I fell asleep, and woke up later to a police officer busting into my house. My neighbor had been knocking on my door, then looked through my window and saw me on my couch, and was convinced I'd died. FML
Today, I ran into my girlfriend by chance while out shopping. She looked different than usual. Maybe it was the wedding ring she was wearing, or how she had her arm around another gentleman, gee, I don't know. That's two years of my life wasted. FML
Today, I went to work in my best outfit for the big corporate party we were having later in the day. When I arrived, my boss said, "You missed one hell of a party yesterday!" Shit. FML
Today, I realized how bad my sex life is when I scratched a mosquito bite and almost had an orgasm. FML
Today, I let my dog outside to play. He shat on three cars, played dead in the middle of the street, and chased my neighbors' cat into a pool. When he came back into the house, he had a note taped to his back saying "IOU 1 lawsuit". FML
Today, I returned home after a four day weekend at my parents' house. Upon entering by the front door, a horrid stench assaulted my nose. Hours later I still cannot find the source of the foul odor. I'm starting to wonder if this is how it's always smelled without my knowing. FML
Today, after having asked me out on Monday, the guy I like angrily cancelled our date because I "hadn't bothered" even talking to him for "several days". One day. You didn't hear from me on Monday. It's now Tuesday. That's one day, dick. FML
Today, my nineteen year-old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said, "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML
Today, I got a very serious case of the shits while in the middle of trying to close a sale, and had to run to the bathroom. My coworker picked up the sale, stealing all the commission in the process. FML
Today, I had to go to the police station after my son got arrested for shoplifting 15 packs of gum. He got away with it at first, but got busted when he tried to return it all because he "didn't like the flavor". FML
Today, my family and I were on a road trip. Everything was fine until we discovered that my dad, the driver, was not only fast asleep, he was also snoring. We were in the middle of the highway. FML
Today, I took a look at my 9-year-old daughter's diary, thinking it would be full of cute stuff. Instead, it was full of hateful rants against me and my husband, as well the boys at her school, who she called gay because none of them ever hit on her. It seems I've failed as a parent. FML
Today, I was babysitting a little girl. I let her play with a box of old Star Wars toys to keep her occupied while I quickly went to use the bathroom, and when I returned she was making the 15 or so figures have a massive orgy, sex sounds included. FML
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