Today, a girl with a picture of One Direction as her desktop asked if I wanted to partner with her on a 70% law assignment. Two hours after saying no, I found out that she's a legal genius with a guaranteed job in the field and a near perfect GPA. FML
Today, I was reading a picture storybook to a kindergarten kid. She could pronounce more words than me, and corrected me. I'm about triple her age. FML
Today, my mom told me that she heard me and my best friend in my room grunting and talking about how hard we were. She said she loved me and accepted me no matter what. Thanks mom, but we were working out. FML
Today, an attractive man hit on me for the first time since I ended my 3-year relationship with my cheating ex. Then the man told me he'd just gotten out of prison last week. FML
Today, I'm grieving over the death of my best friend of 9 years. My mom wasted no time arriving at the conclusion that I must be hormonal and pregnant with his child. Apparently it's not normal for a woman to cry so much over a man, unless they've been fucking. FML
Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML
Today, I lost out on a job opportunity because the interviewer said my "fake fangs are unprofessional and frankly disturbing." The "fangs" are my real canines, and they have always looked this way. FML
Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML
Today, I pulled several socks from under my son's bed. I spent far too long trying to figure out why they were so stiff before I finally realized. FML
Today, my long distance boyfriend got angry because I like touching myself while we sext. It "distracts" me from him. I'm sorry you turn me on. FML
Today, I found out why my girlfriend was so excited to get to see me. She finally got to end the relationship she didn't want anymore. FML
Today, I decided to start jogging to keep fit. I was passed about ten times by the same car, carrying four bozos whose vocabulary consisted only of, "TITTIES!" and copious amounts of giggling. FML
Today, I told my son about wet dreams, what they are and how they are normal. Afterwards, he exclaimed, "It's kinda like when I beat off, except I'm asleep! Awesome!" FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML
Today, I realised that my closeted gay friend has dated more women this year than I have in my 28 years of life. FML
Today, I took the lid off my slow cooker to serve up a casserole that had been 12 hours in the making. A cockroach took the opportunity to dive in. My husband and I are now eating toast, while the delicious smell of casserole taunts us from the trash. FML
Today, I was unloading Cokes outside of the movie theater I work at. While bent over, I heard someone call out, "Damn girl, you got a fat ass," followed by, "Oh God, that's a man!" I am indeed a man. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. I was depressed so I went to the only bar in town. When I asked for a drink, I found out she works there as the bartender. FML
Today, a customer came in to the Walmart I cashier at, trying to set me up with her daughter. This isn't the first time she's tried. As she so graciously put it, her daughter "has a thing for the wimpy nerdy types". FML
Today, I realized I apologize too often as I said I was sorry to my boyfriend as he broke up with me. I apologized for being sad and making him feel bad. FML
Today, I approached a hot female security guard and attempted to compliment her new tattoos. Instead of saying, "Nice tats", I ended up saying, "Nice tits". My HR meeting is tomorrow morning. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML
Today, at the camp that I work at, a little girl asked to "feel" my muscles. Thinking it was cute, I flexed for her. She laughed and said, "No, really." FML
Today, my philosophy teacher asked me about my parents. I replied that my mum was a cleaner and my dad was a bus driver. In an astonished voice, she said, "But, you're clever..." FML
Today, my friend was picking on me at school by constantly tapping on my shoulder. At recess I had enough. I felt the familiar tap on my shoulder, and I drove my elbow into what I thought was my friend's stomach. It was my Principal. FML
Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML
Today, I was out on a date with a guy. His hot co-worker came to have a beer with us, and I knew my best friend would think he was gorgeous. I wanted to take a picture of him without knowing, so I tried to hold up my phone and pretend to be texting. The flash went off. FML
Today, I was at my friend's house celebrating his 16th birthday. I couldn't find my phone so I asked my friend's girlfriend if I could borrow her phone to see if I could hear mine ringing. I dialed my number, only to find she had my number saved in her phone as "ASS FACE #3". FML
Today, I finally had my tongue piercing heal up so I decided to try oral on my girl. Unfortunately, she has a hood piercing that got caught on my tongue ring, and neither of us could get them apart. We had to call my mom in to solve the problem. FML
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