Mademoiselle MI, US 30 ans Célibataire
Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML
Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML
Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML
Today, I had to rush to school to avoid being late. Unfortunately, I forgot to put a bra on beforehand, and as soon as I got to gym class, the first thing my teacher said was: "Okay folks, let's get outside, we're running the mile." FML
Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML
Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very Christian family, I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "Is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" FML
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML
Today, I was at the doctor's office and the doctor asked me, "Have you been having any intimate relations?" and the first thing that I blurted out was, "You mean with other people?" FML
Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML
Today, I was on my way home when I saw a cop hiding behind a Budget truck. I immediately slowed down and prayed that he wouldn't give me a ticket. Then I realized I was walking. FML
Today, my adorable five and a half year old boy told me that when he grows up he's going to be my boyfriend. I thought it was kinda cute until I asked him why. "Because you need one." FML
Today, I was laying out in my backyard trying to get some color when I felt a little tickle on my lips. I rubbed them together to satisfy the itch, when I felt a sort of crunchiness popping between them. I had crushed a spider between my lips and its legs were still moving. FML
Today, I found out who the father of my sister's 4 year old son is. My husband of 7 years. FML
Today, my husband left his phone at home. I looked through his contacts and found a person named "The Bitch." Being very curious, I called "The Bitch" to see who it was. My phone rang. FML
Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML
Today, I found out there's a Harry Potter club at my school. My boyfriend is in it. FML
Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML
Today, my sister and I bought new cell phones. We both wanted the same phone in red, but the guy told us that there was only one red phone left. Flirting with him, I said "You should give the prettier sister the red phone." My new phone is black. FML
Today, I woke up at 3 a.m. because my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. I went off to the guest room to try to get back to sleep. Eventually I fell back asleep. Then I had a dream that my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. It woke me up. FML
Today, I spent the day studying with one of my classmates whom I've just met. While studying, she kept bragging about her boyfriend and decided to show me a picture of him. It was my boyfriend. FML
Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML
Today, I was working at Publix ringing up some 70 year-old woman. She says "Man, you're a fast cashier, I like my men fast!" and then gives me a wink. I got really nervous and didn't know how to respond, so not thinking I quickly said, "Yeah, me too." FML
Today, I told my girlfriend of 2 years that I was sexually abused as a kid. She was only the third person I've told. She reacted by breaking up with me because I "might do something" to her kids. FML
Today, I was in the shower and I heard my boyfriend walk in. I struck my sexiest pose and when he came in, he looked me up and down and told me, "You look like my mother." Thanks. FML
Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML
Today, my sister asked me if she could go into my closet to borrow my favourite dress for a party she was going to tonight. When I asked her where she was going, she said to a Halloween costume party. My sister is going as a prostitute. FML
Today, I realized that my parents never ground me as a punishment because I don't get out enough for it to matter. FML
Today, I called up Verizon Wireless to "complain" about my phone service. I really had nothing to complain about, I was just that lonely that I wanted someone to talk to. FML
Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML
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