danielle25

Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML

Today, I had to drink the most vile and disgusting medicinal treatments I could ever imagine. Then I had to drink it again when I threw up the first batch. FML

Not now!

Today, I was in a department store with my three year old daughter to buy some new jeans. I took her into the dressing room with me and as I began to take off my pants she yells, "Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML

Doggy dog world

Today, while I was brushing my teeth, my 5 year old-son walked into the bathroom. He gave me a mean look and said, "That's Sammy's toothbrush, not yours." I've been brushing my teeth with the dog's toothbrush for two months now. FML

Today, I decided to pay a suprise visit to my boyfriend's house. I let myself in, walked up to his bedroom and found him dancing around. In the dress I had left the other weekend. FML

Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the noodles into the boiling water and I dropped my phone in. Not thinking, I went to retrieve it from the water. I now have a completely useless phone and a useless hand. FML

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

Today, my ceiling fan was rocking violently so I turned it off. I stood under it trying to figure out what the problem is, it fell on my face. FML

Today, my parents were having a Christmas party. They went out to get the vodka in our garage fridge, only to find most of it was frozen. Knowing vodka doesn't freeze, they soon realized that I had been taking some and refilling it with water over the past two months. FML

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

The hero

Today, there was a girl in heels running in front of me at school, and she slipped on ice. Trying to be a hero, I dropped my backpack and ran up to help her, but ended up slipping and landing on her leg. As I walked back to my backpack, I found out I'd dropped my laptop and broken it. FML

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? Because my boss has been dating my newly divorced mother, and he didn't want family get-togethers to be "awkward." FML

Today, my grandma's cat peed on my full leg cast. The closest doctor was a three hour drive away. So my grandma wouldn't take me at all the whole weekend. FML

Today, my dad screamed at me, called me a monster, told me he wanted me to move out, and that I better start looking for an apartment. Why? I slammed the microwave door. FML

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

Today, I got a bird as a pet. I thought it would be funny to put it on my head and take a picture. When the flash went off the bird flew off my head and pooped at the same time. You could see it in the picture. FML

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to put some streamers on my bike handles, even though I knew they would probably be stolen fairly quickly. I went into a restaurant to eat, and when I came out both my wheels were gone, but at least the streamers were still there. FML

Today, I found out I'm the only one in my family to wash their hands after they use the bathroom. FML

Today, my hours got cut because I couldn't make it into work when they called me in. Why couldn't I make it in? I was in an interview for a better job. I didn't get the job. FML

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

Today, while I was substitute teaching a middle school class, a boy, named Chris, refused to get in the boy's line for the bathroom. After I had said, "Chris, what makes you think you're a girl?" in a very loud voice, one of the other students said "She is a girl." I've scarred a child for life. FML

Technique

Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML

Today, my virgin girlfriend who wanted to lose her virginity to me got on Google, and quizzed me on how to properly put on a condom. She doesn't trust me. FML

Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML

Unbelievable

Today, at my wedding reception, I jokingly asked my aunt, who has always been convinced that I am gay despite my protests, if she believed me now. She took this the wrong way and drunkenly went around telling my guests that my wedding was a sham to convince her I was straight. FML

Today, at work, a customer left their cell phone behind. I tried to see if there were any pictures so that I could identify them. No, I still don't know what they look like, but I have seen their penis. FML

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom that I'm gay. She sympathetically patted my back and told me I don't need to make up excuses for me being so unattractive to women. FML

Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML

So frustrating

Today, I'm spending the night with the guy I've been interested in for a while. Instead of sleeping in the same bed together, he insists that I sleep in another room because he "doesn't want to be tempted to do anything." So, I'm alone, in my best lingerie, in his little brother's room. FML