danielle25

AAARGH

Today, I woke up sweating and gasping for air after having a terrible nightmare. The nightmare involved my deceased mother-in-law bitching me out for being a bad influence on her daughter and threatening to cut my nuts off. Even in death, she won't leave me be. FML

Today, a girl I've liked for several years gave me her number. Finally, I worked up the courage to call her. It was a suicide help line. FML

Insult to injury

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years left me for a guy whose favorite color is camouflage. FML

Today, a wild squirrel managed to get into my house. I can't see him… but I can hear him in the walls. FML

Inspirational

Today, I woke up crying in the middle of a nightmare in which my boyfriend of 8 months shot me through the heart whilst laughing as I screamed, "I love you." After I told him about this, he took me into his arms as I cried, stroked my back, and said, "What kind of gun was it?" FML

Chud

Today, I was having a great time shopping with my gran, until she started complaining about all the foreigners ruining our town, and counting each person who didn't look 100% British. It wouldn't even have been so bad if I wasn't adopted into the family, from Russia. FML

Today, I went to a club. The only guy who asked me to dance introduced himself as "Bird Dog." FML

Back 2 school

Today, I got suspended for bringing a "hazardous weapon" to school. They were earrings. FML

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML

Today, the workplace evacuation bell sounded. Out of panic after the recent earthquake, I ran down 21 flights of stairs, only to find out it was a false alarm. My legs are on fire, and I can barely walk. FML

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy if he bit me on the lips. Normally, I would have enjoyed it, if the lips in question were the ones on my face. FML

Today, I went to my doctor for a check-up. It started with the doctor lifting my shirt up to check my heartbeat, and ended with my gran starting a fistfight over his "perverted ways." FML

Teenage kicks

Today, thanks to my peripheral vision and a dropped mirror, I realized that I have horrible acne on my ass. FML

Today, while riding the bus, a creepy guy gave me the "rape glare" and another guy repeated every word to the conversation I was having with my friend under his breath. FML

Today, I took a dump without checking for toilet paper. I then called my step dad, who said "use the stuff in the garbage." FML

Today, while paying for groceries, I opened my wallet to find that all my cash had been exchanged for Monopoly money. FML

Today, I realized my soon to be ex wife is stalking me online. Everytime I block her she creates a new profile. She left me 9 months ago. FML

All you need is hate

Today, I was at a family reunion, but I've always hated my family. I walked up behind my husband and said, "I can't wait to go home and get it on." My husband turned around. It was my uncle, wearing the same hat as my husband's. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to use glow-in-the-dark body paint to make an arrow on his stomach pointing down. I guess he thought he'd "spice up" the way he always demands a blow job before sex. FML

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pound father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

Today, I learned that I have the balls to base jump and skydive, but I still can't ask out the hot girl working at the pub. FML

Today, I was in a restaurant with my fiancée for dinner. I commented that she had some food around her mouth. She responded with a lecture, then by throwing her hot bowl of noodles at me, before stomping out the restaurant. FML

Today, I learned what it felt like to get shot in the nuts by an airsoft gun. Thank you, Mom. FML

Today, my mum yelled at me for wanting to apply to university courses that she doesn't approve of. I'm applying for Biomedical Sciences and Microbiology, she's an unemployed Jehovah's Witness. FML

Today, I was mugged by three guys. I fought back, and knocked one down. This made them angry, so they stole my clothes as well. FML

Go home dad, you're drunk

Today, I ran into my father. He was drunk and singing in the street. At 1:25pm. FML

Today, I was DJing on a popular local radio station when a pop-up window appeared on the station's computer. Of all the possible sounds that could have played, it was a girl screaming in pleasure. It went out live on air. FML

Today, my wife told our six year old daughter that the devil beats his wife whenever there's a rainbow. Now she won't stop crying. FML

Today, I found out that getting caught in a barbed wire fence isn't as bad as it sounds. Running through a forest at night, tripping over one, rolling down an embankment, and getting swiped by a car, however, is. FML