Today, I woke up with a strange and itchy feeling in my anus. When I told my boyfriend about it, he started laughing. I still don't know what he did. FML
Today, I've been forced to start packing to go on a vacation with my parents, because they say I've been studying too hard and need a break. I've hardly studied at all and was planning on making up for it all in the time I had left before finals. I'm screwed. FML
Today, I was babysitting an 8-year-old boy. He was playing with Play-Doh and made a sculpture that looked like a penis. I tried to cover up and asked if it was an action figure. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "It's a DICK." FML
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about some recent family drama my sister has been causing. He quickly lost interest and started jacking off right next to me. FML
Today, I had to proofread a document my boss had written. When I pointed out that he spelled "college" as "collage" multiple times, he angrily accused me of trying to make him look stupid. This is the guy who constantly boasts about his "genius" IQ level to the whole office. FML
Today, during class our teacher asked us, "Who is Uncle Sam?" A girl answered, "He's the guy who founded KFC, right?" I'm in an AP class and have to put up with these morons constantly. FML
Today, I talked to my husband about his lack of interest in sex. Apparently his definition is polar to mine; his is along the lines of cuddling. Not only did I wait until marriage to have sex with this man, apparently he prefers a permanent roommate without benefits. FML
Today, I wanted to pretend to have a seizure so my baby sister could know when to call 911. When I fell down and started to pretend, she decided to drink my soda instead of helping me. FML
Today, I found out that the little arrow next to my gas gauge actually points to the side of the car where the tank is. For the past year-and-a-half I've been sticking my head out the window and even calling my parents to ask which side it was on, because I can never remember. FML
Today, on Facebook, someone wrote a status implying that she was going to kill herself. I called a mutual friend, asking to check up on her. The next status the girl puts up said, "Someone thought I was going to commit suicide! Haha what a loser!" FML
Today, my boss fired me. I can't really explain the slap I gave him for it, though. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML
Today, as I tried to get out of bed, I got my foot tangled in my sheets. I reached out to my dresser to avoid falling flat on my face. I didn't fall, but I did manage to smash my fingers in the drawer while still trapped in the sheets. FML
Today, my daughter asked me the difference between "their" and "they're". This is the same child I've been spending thousands of dollars on to send to law school. FML
Today, I had to give a sexual harassment seminar to my department. Someone put in a complaint that my example made them feel uncomfortable. FML
Today, my store manager thought that it would improve morale to talk in hashtags. FML
Today, at my job as a librarian at an old library, I was shelving books. Things were great until one entire bookshelf fell over. The damage wasn't too bad. Then the rest fell down. FML
Today, I went out to a nice restaurant for my friend's birthday. I went to the bathroom and heard the woman in the other stall crying. She couldn't pull her underwear up over her obese, old-lady ass because her arms don't reach that far anymore. I was the only one there. I had no choice. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I got just three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office, to sing me a happy birthday. FML
Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said, "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother." FML
Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that you will not be hit by a car. FML
Today, I woke up when the guy I had spent the night with slid out of bed. When he realized I was awake, he looked down at me, shook his head, and said "I've gotta lay off the beer..." FML
Today, my girlfriend of eight years explained to me that the Egyptian pyramids were built by aliens from Mars. I have a B.S. in Biology and an M.S. in Anthropology, and I'm working on my Ph.D. She thinks I'm an irrational idiot for telling her she's wrong. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's extended family for the first time. Her family kept telling her how much I looked and acted like her older brother and I'm guessing by the end of the day she agreed, because now she pulls away and gags when I try to kiss her. FML
Today, I decided to be safe and tested a small dime-sized amount of Nair on my inner arm before using it. I didn't react badly. But as soon as it was washed off from my down-there hair I sure as hell reacted, with small bumpy red dots that look like an STD. FML
Today, I was at the laundromat doing my clothes when I noticed a cute guy next to me. I tried to be a ninja and sneak my sock into his basket so I could start a conversation with him. He saw me. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting in the mood. I got on top of him, leaned down to kiss him, and he began to laugh. Puzzled, I asked him why. He told me that when I'm naked and on top of him, I reminded him of a cow, with "udders." Offended, I went to get off him. "No no!" he protested, "a SEXY cow." FML
Today, I stumbled upon my girlfriend's Twitter account that I didn't know existed. A recent entry states that living with me is pathetic; "it's just that the current economical situation doesn't leave her with many options." FML
Today, someone left a used condom under the windshield wiper of my car. I didn't notice it until I was driving. And it was raining. It was even tied, so the contents couldn't leak out. I'm not planning artificial insemination anytime soon, but thanks for the thought. Man, I love college. FML
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