Socomsnake

Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. He's been calling his penis "fun-sized" for a while now, but I didn't know he meant it really was the size of a fun-size candy bar. I'm pretty sure I'm still technically a virgin. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I hit her. FML

Today, I broke my arm. When I got home from the doctors with my cast, I fell asleep on the couch from the medicine. When I woke up, there were swastikas, "I love the KKK", and multiple penises written all over my cast. My dad thought it would be funny. FML

Today, while at my boyfriends place, I thought I would be nice by folding his laundry and putting it away since he was working late. I opened his sock drawer and sitting on top was a photo of his mother, naked. FML

Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML

Morning pick-me-up

Today, upon waking up, I took a sip on what I thought was a cup of water on my nightstand. I quickly discovered it was my roommate's cup of used mouthwash which she was too lazy to throw out the night before. FML

Tasty!

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML

Make it rain

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML