Mademoiselle My House, In the middle of the street USA 30 ans Célibataire
Today, I ran into my father. He was drunk and singing in the street. At 1:25pm. FML
Today, at my dental practice, we received a shipment of the stupid flavoured gloves my boss ordered to make the place more "friendly to the kids". I started working in an adult patient's mouth, when he decided to start creepily making out with my fingers. FML
Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML
Today, I decided to work out. Being too embarrassed to run in public, I instead ran in circles in my basement. FML
Today, I approached my daughter and told her she needs to clean her room. Her response was, "Thank you Captain Obvious." She's 4. FML
Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML
Today, my husband went downstairs to play Call of Duty. When he came back after only 20 minutes I said, "Awww, did you miss me?" He said, "No, the controller died." FML
Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML
Today, I was eating noodles. Midway through chewing, I sneezed. The noodles got stuck in my nose. FML
Today, a woman came into the gas station where I work, yelling because her credit card wouldn't read at the pump. I politely told her that I could set the pump up for a set amount, and she could swipe the card at the register. Her response? "You need Jesus." FML
Today, as my girlfriend and I were on a romantic dinner for two, I tried pulling out the chair for her. She fell over. FML
Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML
Today, I got a call from my daughter's school saying that she had beat someone up. She's 4. FML
Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out. FML
Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML
Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML
Today, I went to school without makeup. No one recognized me. FML
Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML
Today, a fly got stuck up my nose while I was giving a speech. FML
Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML
Today, I went out with a guy I really liked for the first time. He tried to hold my hands, only to be stopped by my mum, jumping out from nowhere saying "Oh no you don't!" before slapping him. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML
Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor has been stalking every girl in the neighborhood, and considers me his girlfriend. FML
Today, I timed my walk to work perfectly so that I avoided getting sprayed by the rotating sprinklers along the street. As soon as I successfully passed the last sprinkler, a bus sped by me, hit a puddle, and covered me head to toe in muddy water. FML
Today, my friends and I were having a conversation about which mythical creature would be the most unlikely to exist in the real world. They all collectively agreed that it would be a girl who is attracted to me. FML
Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML
Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML
Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML
Today, I went on a date with a respectable, successful, polite, and attractive guy. Ten minutes into the conversation, I find out he's a neo-Nazi and earned a swastika tattoo in prison for "something shady." FML
Today, while at Six Flags my boyfriend won a huge stuffed animal for me. After a whole day of carrying it around, when he dropped me off he told me that he wants the stuffed animal back. He just didn't want to carry it around all day. FML
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