Mademoiselle Northridge, United States 35 ans Compliqué
Today, at 21 years old, I am still so flat chested that I can't even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds. FML
Today, four hours before a test, I received an email from my professor saying that the test had been canceled. When I checked my email again before bed, I found another email from my professor saying that his email had been hacked and the test was was still on. FML
Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML
Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML
Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blow job from me. FML
Today, my phone wasn't working properly. After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away. Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me. FML
Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML
Today, I've been on the same train for two hours at a standstill due to "signal problems". We can't get off because it's "unsafe." I'm on my way home from work and I can see my house through the window. FML
Today, I found that the love of my life is 3.5 inches, fully erect. My cell phone is bigger than that. FML
Today, while at an important meeting at work, I got to watch helplessly as a police officer gave me a parking meter ticket. Added to that my boss chewed me out for "never paying attention and staring out the window during meetings". FML
Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML
Today, I got attacked by my own dog. I don't know what will be harder, telling everyone how my dog thought I was a robber or explaining to them why a 25 year old man owns a poodle. FML
Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML
Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML
Today, my wife and I were planning our nursery for our future child. She said that we'd be painting it pink either way. I asked what would happen if we had a boy. She said "Oh, he'll be gay" with a menacing glare. I'm worried. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML
Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML
Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML
Today, one of my really close friends changed from being 'free' to 'quite busy' in the space of one conversation because I suggested that we hang out. FML
Today, I tried to spice things up in the bedroom by making love to my husband in a tight leather corset. I ended up passing out. FML
Today, my dog decided to chase a smaller dog for three blocks. When I finally caught up with him, he laid down and refused to go anywhere. I had to carry my 80 pounds Labrador like a baby all the way home. FML
Today, I shaved my head because I heard that one of my good friends got cancer. I went to visit her in the hospital. She's not bald. FML
Today, I got married. My sister and father could not attend because they already had plans. My sister went to the mall with her friends, and my dad went to a pool party. FML
Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML
Today, I sent a kinky text message to my boyfriend. Within minutes I got a reply of, "Whoever this is, fuck off and give my girlfriend's phone back." Apparently I'm so bad at writing sexy messages that my boyfriend thought it was a prank from someone who'd stolen my phone. FML
Today, my girlfriend kindly broke the news to me that she doesn't want to take part in any sexual activity anymore because it's getting too boring. FML
Today, my parents woke me up by pouring a glass of freezing cold water over my head. Their reason? They were "bored". FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went on a picnic. After we finished eating he laid down, closed his eyes, and put his head in my lap. At the exact second that I bent down to kiss him, he jumped up to get the Frisbee. We both have bloody noses. FML
Today, after teaching my 4 year-old son about the concept of "Stranger Danger," we had gone to a park full of people. When I walked up to him to tell him we had to leave, he ran, screaming, "Stranger! Don't touch me!" FML
Today, my psycho stepmother and I got into an argument, and she started to get physical. After calling the police, and a cop showing up at the door, he took her side because she said it was "discipline". I'm a 29 year-old man. FML
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