Foreverunloved

Today, my fiancé told me his ex-wife was 5 weeks pregnant. I was happy for her, and glad she had finally moved on. Until I found out who the father was. They're moving back in together, for the baby's sake. FML

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

Gross, so gross

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML

Today, I went to Walmart to pick up some groceries. When I came out, the front end of my car was crushed in. On the window was a note only saying "Sorry I bumped into your car." FML

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

Today, at work while on the toilet, somebody came into the stall next to me and gave a loud play by play of every fart, plop, and grunt. He then asked loudly who I was and when I didn't answer put his head under the stall to look at me. FML

Today, my parents took away my laptop, TV, Xbox, and car all because I broke up with my girlfriend. They said when I patch things up with her, I can have my stuff back. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

Liability

Today, I found out the reason why my therapist was so nice to me all of the time. Apparently, she is afraid that I'm going to stab her if she pisses me off. FML

Today, I had to choose between staying with my boyfriend and moving out to a better job. I chose my boyfriend. He promptly left me because I didn't take the job. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me to beat him up so he could look tough around his friends. When I just stared at him, he added, "Please don't break anything though. Nothing too serious." FML

Today, my boyfriend still couldn't work out where my clitoris is. It's RIGHT THERE, you idiot. I've pointed it out, but each time it's like he needs a compass and a map or something. FML

Today, my ex took my cat and gave her to an animal shelter while I was at work, saying he can't stand living with her any longer. He's moving out in 2 days. FML

Same thing

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

Territorial

Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted, "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML

Haters

Today, my grandparents came to visit. So far, they have called me fat, bragged about how my cousin is better than me, and told me how I'm not good enough for them. It's OK though, they gave me a pretzel from the airline and a textbook on physics. In another language. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that having sex with me was as good as eating crispy bacon. I don't know if I should feel complimented. FML

Today, after months of telling my parents I was going to live on my own, I finally moved out. Not even 24 hours being out of their house, some reject burned down the apartment complex I live in. Guess who's moving back home. FML

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor has been stalking every girl in the neighborhood, and considers me his girlfriend. FML

You hypocrite

Today, my mother lectured me about going to the bar too often. She did this while rolling a joint. FML

Today, campus security called me to let me know a lawnmower crashed into my car. Apparently the guy mowing the lawn lost control. My car wasn't parked by any grass. I need a new bumper. FML

Today, while at work in the service department of a car dealership, I sat in the driver seat of an old man's car to get the mileage. He'd just pissed in the seat. FML

Today, I timed my walk to work perfectly so that I avoided getting sprayed by the rotating sprinklers along the street. As soon as I successfully passed the last sprinkler, a bus sped by me, hit a puddle, and covered me head to toe in muddy water. FML

Thanks for the support

Today, my friends and I were having a conversation about which mythical creature would be the most unlikely to exist in the real world. They all collectively agreed that it would be a girl who is attracted to me. FML

Today, the boy I like came to my house with a dozen roses to ask me to homecoming. My uncle chased him down the street with a pitchfork. FML

Today, I cleaned out the fridge for my mother. I didn't throw out a single thing that was less than a month past its expiration. Instead of thanks, she complained about everything that I threw away being still good, including a tub of butter that had been expired for two years. FML

Today, my co-workers agreed that I was the one causing the elevator to be over its weight limit. When I protested, saying that I only weigh around 150 pounds, one asked me if that included the weight of my wheelchair. They made me get out. FML

Foul mood

Today, after being in the UK for 2 months, I learned that when saying, "I'm about to blow off and kill someone", to the British "blow off" means "fart." This was pointed out to me in an open-space office after a particularly loud rant. FML

Medication shutdown

Today, I realized that due to my anti-depressants, I can no longer orgasm. At. All. Which depresses me more. FML