Spritelover7135

Today, for Easter, my brother and sister both got $200 gifts from my parents. I got a chocolate egg. I'm allergic to chocolate. FML

Today, I was carrying some luggage downstairs to put in my car to head back to college. My brother told me my shoes were untied. He said he would tie them for me as I was carrying luggage. I fell down the stairs because he thought it would be funny to tie them together. FML

Woozy

Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves, so I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview, I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

Hell no

Today, I got into my first car accident. Extremely upset, I called my parents, because it was their car and I didn't know what to do. I told them what happened, and asked if they were on their way to where I was. My dad's response was, "Hell no, we're eating dinner." FML

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He said no. FML

Today, I was at the Wild Animal Park. There were bees everywhere. One brave bee, thinking he was Mr. Macho, flew right down my tank top in between my boobs. I freaked the hell out and ended up screaming and pulling down my shirt to get the bee out. I flashed about 10 kids and their families. FML

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were messing around and I always jokingly say, "You're adopted, nobody loves you!" to everybody. His reply, "That's pretty fucked up, I am adopted." He really was. FML

Today, someone asked my fiancée and I how we met. She said, "Well, it was just supposed to be a one night stand!" and laughed, right as I was about to take her hand and say, "It was love at first sight!" FML

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the way to meet him. While chatting, I told him that I had a rip in my favorite jeans. When he sympathetically apologized, I said "It's okay, you're just going to take them off in a minute, anyway." I forgot my mom was in the car. FML

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with a guy I really like. My friends convinced me that he was going to stand me up and that I should just stay home to avoid being hurt. He showed up; I didn't. My friends laughed at my gullible nature. FML

Today, my boyfriend of a year decided to confess to me that almost everything he has told me in our relationship has been a lie. This includes telling me that he was single when we first met, telling me that he loved me, and telling me that I was beautiful. FML

Who? Where?

Today, my husband bought me a beautiful pair of earrings for my birthday, to match the necklace he'd spent months searching for online the previous year. What necklace? He gave me a watch he found at Walmart last year. I wonder who the lucky girl with the necklace is. FML

Today, I got dumped because I was on my period. Apparently he was pissed because I have one "like, every single month." FML

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend. His best friend called and said he just beat God Of War 3 and that my boyfriend could borrow it. He got up, got dressed, ran to his car and told me I could walk home. FML

Don't drink and letch

Today, I found out that I made inappropriate sexual comments to my boss while I was drunk on Saturday night. She won't tell me what I said. She just laughs when she sees me. FML

Message in a mattress

Today, I came back from a week long class trip. My mother took it upon herself to replace my bed sheets and clean my room. Apparently, she found a note under my mattress from my ex-boyfriend. It said "For all you future dudes, Connor was here first!" FML

Classic

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams, "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants, and, while chasing after her, yells, "Baby, she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML

Today, I was at a comedy club, and the girl behind me was drinking. Before she swallowed it, the comedian said something funny, making her spit it all in my hair. I had just had it done for my sister's wedding tomorrow. FML

Today, talking to my boyfriend about each others families, we noticed we both had an aunt with the same name. After a while of trying to figure things out, we decide to call her. Turns out that we are long distance cousins. FML

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a Hello Kitty wedding. FML

Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML

Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML

Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom. FML

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML

Unfinished Somniloquy

Today, I was in lying in bed with my boyfriend while he was asleep. He is going to school to be a doctor, and it appears that he says anatomical terms while asleep. My boyfriend can make me feel stupid in his sleep. FML

Today, I was rejected by a girl when she told me she is not ready to date. We met on a dating website. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he was being for Halloween. He said "Single". FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were snuggling and telling eachother nice things. The nicest thing he could think of to say to me was "Well, I see you shaved your mustache." FML

Today, my boyfriend elbowed me in the eye while we were sleeping. His excuse: "You shouldn't have stayed over." FML