tigercoon

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

IN A RUSH, SORRY

Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2-month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML

I promise…

Today, my boyfriend and I exchanged promise rings. I promised that I would stay committed to him and that he was the only one for me. He promised that he would stop seeing other woman behind my back. He wasn't kidding. FML

Today, three months after finally ending a long relationship with the love of my life because he was cheating on me, we are now seeing each other again. And cheating on our new significant others with each other. FML

Welcome back!

Today, I came home from a year long backpacking trip in Europe. During my absence my parents divorced, dad took the house and most of the money, sister is seven months pregnant, brother was arrested for statutory rape, and my mom pawned all my stuff to buy booze to "cope." Oh, and my fish died. FML

Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML

Lost in the sauce

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

The medium is the message

Today, I made heart-shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML

Thanks for the mental imagery

Today, my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a Brazillian wax. If that's not bad enough, my mother heard and yelled from the other room, "I like my furball." FML

Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML

Gift for you

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML

Today, I had to get bloodwork done. I'm deathly afraid of needles. The whole lobby heard me scream as soon as the nurse said 'hello'. FML

Thanks for nothing

Today, I asked my mother why she had me in the first place, as we never get along. She replied because my father wanted me. So, I called my father to ask him the same question, he said he only wanted to have me to keep my mother around, and that didn't work, so I was a waste. FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. According to his Facebook, he had a new girlfriend 16 seconds later. FML

Today, my loving boyfriend told me that he wanted to go to the cinema with the girl he loves. The other girl he loves, but don't worry it's "not" a date. FML

Today, I pretended like I was dead to my 4 year-old brother. He cried my name for a couple of seconds, then took my iPhone out of my hands and ran away laughing. FML

Today, we were in the car with my puppy, who favours my sister. She had been sat on her lap for a while, when she stood up and climbed onto my lap. I was really pleased until she peed on me and then went straight back to my sister. FML

Bless

Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

Today, my boyfriend called me over for dinner. When I walked in the door, he asked why I was here; apparently he dialed the wrong girlfriend. FML

Today, I got a promotion. I was really excited until I realized that the only friend I had to celebrate with was my pet cat. FML

Today, finishing up in the shower room, I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. Apparently both bathrooms were occupied and my grandmother really had to go... She was bent over in the kitchen peeing into a cup. I may never be able to erase this image. FML

Today, I was woken by the news that my car had been found, but was completely destroyed due to a fire. I didn't even know my car was missing. FML

Final destination

Today, my dad's cremated remains came in the mail. This is the first time in my entire adult life that he has visited me at my home. FML

Precaution

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for coming inside her because she didn't want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

Today, I have a huge meeting with the big executives of the company I work at. I have to be there in 10 minutes. I'm stuck on the toilet with the runs because I thought it would be a good idea to eat hot chicken wings last night. FML

Dumbass

Today, I heard a loud-speaker announcement in my college that someone had left their car in the car park, still running, with keys in the ignition. I laughed at that person's foolishness until I realised it was mine. FML

New face

Today, I went back to work after being sick for a week. While I was gone, they hired a new manager. Trying to score bonus points, and possibly a raise, I went to shake her hand and introduce myself. Just as I was about to say, "Hello, my name is…" I sneezed right in her face. FML