princessemily

Noise annoys

Today, the couple downstairs decided they wanted to try a home birth. FML

Today, I moved into my new house. I went over to my neighbors' house to introduce myself. As they opened the door I saw a telescope pointed at my house. FML

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

Today, the whole family came together to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. My grandfather read a poem he'd written about how he had taken my grandmother's virginity 60 years ago. It went on for about 30 minutes. FML

Backfired

Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML

Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I put 7 kisses at the end of a text instead of 10. She said that our relationship was bound to fail if "I can't remember important things like that". FML

Inspiring

Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

Today, my boss stopped mid-walk during a conversation about the humidity in our office, after I told him I didn't like the air conditioner on, because I'd rather not be cold and wet, and that I liked it warm and sticky. I knew then he was no longer thinking about the AC. FML

Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML

Today, I went into a public bathroom and walked in on a guy checking his butt out in the mirror to see if he'd wiped properly. FML

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pound father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML

Snacc

Today, at my dental practice, we received a shipment of the stupid flavoured gloves my boss ordered to make the place more "friendly to the kids". I started working in an adult patient's mouth, when he decided to start creepily making out with my fingers. FML

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML

How do I put it?

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML