iSmellMusic

Today, I found out my little brother is a highly committed Nazi. He goes to meetings and everything, my parents think it's great he is "getting out and developing a social life." FML

Communication tool

Today, my husband let me know he felt I was ignoring him by jabbing me in the right ear with his erect penis while I was Skyping with my mum overseas. FML

Today, I came home to find an almost completely devoured cheesecake, The Notebook playing on the TV, and a shoe thrown at my head. It's safe to say my girlfriend is just about on her period. FML

Today, I ran into my boss outside of work. She smiled, and started trying to have an in-depth chat with me. I wouldn't have minded, if it weren't for the fact I ran into her at a club, whilst they were having a BDSM theme night. And we were both fully dressed up for it. FML

Grandma, nooooooo!

Today, my mom and I took my senile grandmother to the mall, since she doesn't get out much. She complained it was hot, then took her clothing off in the middle of the food court. It took us thirty minutes to make her put her shirt back on. FML

Today, the girl of my dreams asked me if I wanted to go biking with her. "Just the two of us," she said. I had to turn her down because I'm 17 years old and never learned how to ride a bike. FML

Flattered

Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me, "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML

Today, my husband started a conversation with, "In Pokémon…" and ended the same conversation with "…and that's why we should divorce." FML

Today, a cute guy who works at the mall winked at me. When I met up with my boyfriend, I bragged to him about it. His response was, "Don't flatter yourself, he winked at me too." FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm, he pulled away and said that my vagina is like a mask and that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to my vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML

Today, I found out that the catchy Japanese song I've been obsessed with for the past week is actually about a dildo. FML

Today, I can no longer leave my son at daycare, because at the age of 5, he's started manipulating the girls there into fighting over him. A kid lost a baby tooth in one such brawl. FML

Today, I saw a woman in the neighbouring apartment taking a shower without pulling the blinds of her bathroom window. As a good Samaritan, I waved my arms to attract her attention that she forgot the blinds. She noticed me, opened the window, did a weird boob dance and middle fingered me. FML

Today, I went to my grandmom's house for an hour or so. When I came home, my boyfriend was on the bed, covered in the sheets and about to cry. Turns out he taped his ballsack to his leg and couldn't get it off because it "hurts too much." I'm 24 and he's 26. FML

Little shit

Today, my seven-year-old nephew challenged me to a push up contest in front of my girlfriend. He beat me, and then asked my girlfriend why she's dating a pussy. FML

Today, I learned that binding my stomach with duct tape isn't worth it to look thin. I also learned the even worse part when I shrieked more loudly than I should've when I tried to discreetly rip it off in history class. FML

Today, I walked in on my sister apparently trying to eat herself out. FML

Huge fan

Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair in a way that it looks like Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

Nice try

Today, I tried to "trip" and fall into this guy I've had a crush on. I missed and fell on my face. He stepped over me and kept walking. FML

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and I accidentally dropped my new tampon on the ground. Just as I was about to reach for it, I heard a voice on the other side of the stall say, "Oh great, I needed that" and then a hand reached under my stall and grabbed it. It was my last one. FML

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me. Apparently I'm not the "classy girl" he thought I was, and he's not comfortable "doing such vile things in public." I had tried to hold his hand. FML

Today, I was in a big Skype chat, which somehow turned into a heated argument. My friend lost it, typed "your stupid" and called me a "looser." When I pointed out the irony of his messages, he rage-quit, drove all the way to my house, and punched me in the face at the door. FML

Today, the extremely uncooperative client whom I'm trying to defend in court sent me a letter in which he threatened to sue me, because charging him for my services supposedly violates his "constipational rights". FML

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

Today, I had my first job as a wedding planner. I'd spent a year making sure everything was right. After the wedding my friend comforted me by saying, "You had to have known it wasn't going to be perfect." I knew that it wouldn't be perfect, but I had expected the groom to at least show up. FML

Cast the first stone

Today, I heard my grandma sobbing in her room. After finally convincing her to tell me what was wrong, she confessed to watching a porn video last night. She thinks not being able to sleep afterwards is a sign that God is punishing her, and that she's damned our family to hell. FML

Today, I accidentally hit a cyclist with my car. In panic, I jumped out of my car and ran up to him, who was lying on the floor, motionless. As I was about to check his pulse, he jumped up and shouted, "I bet you thought I was dead, asshole!" He then punched me in the face and cycled off. FML

Today, my grandma's chihuahua was run over while I was taking her for a walk. She later whispered to me, "It should have been you." FML

Today, while at the beach, my son needed to pee. I told him to pee in the ocean. He took off his pants and peed from the beach to the water. FML

Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML