teresa96706

Today, I got stumped by a childproof door. Twice. FML

Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML

Today, I had to slowly explain to my best friend that when babies are born, the umbilical cord is attached to the baby's belly-button, not the mother's. FML

Today, my boyfriend confided to me that he has a used condom collection. When I reacted with disgust, he "reassured" me that he only keeps the ones he uses with me. FML

Today, while on the bus, I took out my breath spray. The elderly lady beside me thought it was pepper spray. She panicked and started screaming, which culminated in the man near her punching me in the jaw. FML

Today, while working at the pet store, I had to feed the snakes. I'd thawed too many mice, so instead of wasting one, I fed it to our turtles. They decided to play tug of war with it, ripping it in half in front of several terrified children. FML

Today, my dad introduced me to my half-sister. He'd only recently found out that he had another daughter by another woman, and had only just met her. She and I have been in the same class in school for the past three years. FML

Today, after my shift at the police station, I went on a date with a girl I recently met. We had a great date, that is until I opened the car door for her, and out of habit, pushed down on her head as she got in. FML

Today, I found out my girlfriend is only with me because I'm a mechanic and I fix her constantly broken-down car for free. FML

Who?

Today, I woke up to an angry text from my roommate, asking me to please let her know next time I'm going to have a friend crashing on the couch. I have no idea who she's talking about. FML

Today, I was taking a relaxing bath. My cat decided to sit on the ledge, which is normal for her, but today she fell in. I never knew how painful it was to be scratched down there until today. FML

Today, my dog was diagnosed with depression. I got him to help with my depression. I guess we can just be miserable together. FML

Today, I found out that my crush didn't remember calling me beautiful, telling me he liked me, or any of the other romantic things he said to me while drunk last night. He did however remember me promising to bake him cookies. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

Today, I learned that just because the actual part of the pan that does touch the stove isn't hot doesn't mean that the handle won't give you third degree burns, a broken nose from passing out from the pain, and an expensive trip to the emergency room. FML

My wife

Today, while I was at work, my wife sent me a few pictures of her in a new lingerie, to "spice up" my day. She didn't realize that I have iCloud turned on so I can share files with my colleagues. My boss and a dozen other employees received the same pictures. FML

Today, I had to hunt down and collect a stray dog's feces for my parasitology class. FML

Today, I fainted during my sister's wedding because my dress was too tight. When I woke up, she slapped me hard across the face. Why? Because I "took all the attention away" from her. FML

Today, I bought a pack of toothpicks. There were 500 of them. When I got home I accidentally dropped the pack. After twenty long minutes of picking them up, I dropped them again. FML

Today, I'm so broke that I got buyer's remorse after buying a $2 bottle of pancake syrup. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

Where on Earth do you work?

Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML

You OK dude?

Today, my boyfriend came over to see me after almost a month of us not spending time together. Unfortunately, he came straight from bar-hopping with his friends and was wasted. He's currently naked in bed, cooing at his penis, and giggling like a little girl. FML

Weasley little liar dude

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. He claimed that it's because he's an agent fighting the Mafia, and he doesn't want to put my life at risk through reprisal attacks. FML

Ewww, gross

Today, I discovered why the milk in my house has a funny, sweet taste. My family has been pouring the leftover milk from their cereal back into the carton. FML

Paranoid

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by demons, and that he now sleeps with a knife under his pillow for protection from, "The dark spirits that are feasting upon his soul." I'm not sure that I'll be sleeping over anytime soon. FML

Today, I had a piano exam. My friend noticed how nervous I was, and recommended that I compliment the examiner for higher marks. When it was time for the exam, without thinking, I told him I liked his hair. Turns out bald people don't like that. FML

Hot stuff

Today, yet again, I was getting intimate with my shower head. Some complete genius decided to flush the toilet downstairs halfway through, which sent scalding-hot water all up in my privates. I've yet to find a comfortable sitting position. FML

Today, I announced to my boyfriend that I'm pregnant. He immediately denied that it was his because "a childhood accident" supposedly left him sterile. He has a child from a previous relationship. FML

Today, I was giving a tour of my boat to a man who seemed interested in purchasing it. Everything was going great. That is, until, the motor stopped running in the middle of the ocean. FML